Thursday, December 01, 2005

Horrible injustice

Today I awoke to discover a complete lack of running water. As you can imagine, faced with an injustice of such sizable proportions, I was hopping mad and violently offended. Sure, I hear what you're saying. Lots of people had to deal with much worse recently due to hurricanes, tsunamis, etc. Look, jerk, we're talking about me right now, not them, and I wasn't able to take my daily shower until 5 p.m. That's not what I'm accustomed to, so I fired off several angry letters to Amnesty International. I hope they are able to prevent further similar injustices from happening to me. Hurricanes may be a little disruptive, but, come on, people choose to live in regions regularly affected by hurricanes. They're accustomed to it, much like I am accustomed to taking a shower shortly after being awakened by my butler every morning at noon. After my mimosa, of course. It is my right to wake at noon, have a mimosa, then enjoy a steaming hot thirty-minute shower. My ancestors died so I would have this right, but the city chose to ignore their selfless sacrifice and shut off my water supply. A pox on their houses. One should always live how one is accustomed. Always. If you have pancakes every morning, then, by God, you shall have pancakes every goddamn morning, and no one must interfere with your right to have pancakes. If they try to interfere, and offer you a tasteless frozen waffle, or worse, a rice cake, in the pancakes' stead, you have every right to drive the philistine from your quarters at swordpoint if necessary. You demand pancakes, I demand hot showers. You expect pancakes, I expect hot showers. By God, that's what we will have. Is this not America? I am disgusted and horrified. I expect you to write to your congressmen and women immediately after reading this missive. Good day.


Joolie said...

I wrote my congressman, and then I lit a candle for you. I hope this didn't dilute my gesture, but I lit one for myself, too, because I was awakened early by construction today and my dinner was okay but not particularly satisfying.

Air Wolf said...

I marched down my street with a sign that compares Bush to Hitler. I mean, that has got to be an efficient way to create change, right?

Dr. Mystery said...

If we've learned anything from the Left's dramatic success over the last thirty years, we've learned that comparing one's political opponents to Nazis gets results. And how. So many Republicans have come to their senses and jumped to our side, while we've had nothing but one victory after another. It's like the other night. My wife told me to take out the trash. I was like, "Fuck you, Goebbels. Why don't you put another Jew in our oven?" Long story short, she took out the trash.