You may have seen this news story on Saturday about a man named Jeff Ondash. He broke the record for giving out the most hugs in a 24-hour period. (He also holds the record for the most hugs given in a single hour.) Ondash gave out 7,777 hugs last week in front of the Paris hotel-casino in Las Vegas. He gave out these hugs as his "costumed alter ego," Teddy McHuggin. Ondash/McHuggin has inspired me. I want to set the world record for saying "fuck you" the most in a 24-hour period under the aegis of my costumed alter ego, Jimmy McFuckyou. I want to do this in front of the Paris hotel-casino, and then I want a free buffet from this casino after I smash the fuck-you record. I'm so intent on breaking this record that I'll say "fuck you" to anybody: small children, the elderly, the disabled, sufferers of low self-esteem, dogs, birds, inanimate objects, planes flying overhead. They've all got some fuck yous coming. Get ready to get fucked, America. This record is going to get smashed. Fuck you! Fuck yeah!
(above: A stupid little baby, right after being told "fuck you" by a man in a costume. Was it Jimmy McFuckyou, smashing another world record? You bet your diapered ass it was! Fuck you! Fuck yeah!)