Thursday, June 16, 2016

The next rock and roll classic

I'm both a realist and a pessimist, so I know that my local rock band will never scale the heights of superstardom, fame, wealth, a trendy drug-induced decline, and a lucrative reunion tour, and that's mostly OK with me. My only regret is that we'll never get to participate in the time-honored tradition of recording a mid-career mid-tempo ballad about the loneliness, weariness, and plain ol' tryin' times of life on the road. But as the Butthole Surfers taught me, it's better to regret something you did than something you didn't do. I wrote some lyrics about life on those lonely highways, and this future classic will just sit here, waiting for some road-weary, deep-pocketed troubadour to add some sweet-assed heart-tugging accompaniment. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you "Tourin'":

The wheels on the bus go round and round
Another fresh mile in another strange town
I'm tourin'

My ex-wife's callin' on my cellular phone
But I ignore the call and grab a Toblerone
I'm hurtin'

The Toblerone didn't cut it so I grab some fruit snacks
But the box is empty and I just can't relax
I'm hungry
(SPOKEN ASIDE) But not that hungry

Oh, life on the road ain't all the fans dream it to be
And the me they worship ain't quite the real me
The tour bus is fancy but the drive is still long
And I'm sick and tired of playing my own hit song
Oh Lord, why did you put this burden on me?

Well, I hit backstage and I check the rider
Those bastards in Duluth forgot my cranapple cider
I'm fumin'

Woke up from a nap when I heard my own snoring
The band's soundchecking and it's so damn boring
I'm restless

I read People magazine during the opening band
Looks like we'll get another season of that show Homeland
I'm intrigued
(SPOKEN ASIDE) But not that intrigued



Finally took the stage, the crowd couldn't get enough
But I'm still waiting for someone to call my bluff
I'm weary

Backstage and the groupies are getting saucy
I met a couple dudes from Insane Clown Posse
I'm reckless

Hungover and tired, I head to the next town
To do it all again, hope I can find the sound
That's a reference
(SPOKEN ASIDE) To Kiss power ballad "Beth"