Friday, July 30, 2004

Spam Scam 2

Apparently my correspondence with Internet scammer Angela Roberto may have come to an end. She has yet to respond to my second e-mail informing her that we can't continue to do business together until she sends me nude photos of herself and several family members, a postcard from Hawaii, and two sacks of flour. Maybe I pushed "weird" just a little too hard, too soon. Maybe I should have let the weird creep in subtly over the course of several e-mail exchanges. I'm very disappointed.


According to the All Music Guide, the themes of Van Halen's new greatest hits compilation, "Best of Both Worlds," are Guys Night Out (, Party Time (, TGIF, and Cool & Cocky (

Thursday, July 29, 2004


Insouciance. Click on the second pronunciation for all kinds of pandemonium.

Spam scam

Here's a ridiculous e-mail scam I received yesterday:
"Dear Beloved of the lord ,Calvery Greetings in the precious name of our lord and saviour who has both save and delivered us from the power of darkness and have translated us into the kingdom of his dear son to him be the glory for ever  .How are you hope you are keeping healthy,permitte me to ask you if you are in full time ministerial work in the vine yard service or having been involed in any thing as related to service of humanity?is your ministry into humaniterian activities? .
Let me hasten to introduce myself as Mrs Angela Roberto Di Leo,I am married to Mr.Reberto Di Leo an Italian based in Togo,who until his death was a timber export marchant here in the republic of Togo. It's a sorrowful thing to say that he died in a fatal motor accident alongside  with our only son on the 19th of may 2003, while cominig back from a business meeting.(God knows best).and to him alone shall all flesh come . When my husband was alive,He deposited his life's savings (u.s $18.3 million) with a bank here in the republic of Togo, with my name as the next of kin. As God may have it, recently i was diagonised of liver cancer, and the doctors said i have just six months to live.In view of my condition, and the fact that i have nobody to leave this money behind for, with the exception of my husband people who are not  Christains and are quite inconsiderate ,Therefore i decided to donate this money to either a living Church or a humaniterian organization that will use this money in propagating the good massage and also taking care of the orphans,widows, and the needy generally.( prov.19:17 ).By so doing,i would have succeded in immortalising the names of my late Husband and my only Son. Beloved,though i am sick and dying, i am not afraid of death because i know were i am going.My soul has found a resting place in the handsome bossom of the lord. As soon as i receive your reply in your readiness to help handle this fund and properly use it for the purpose for which it has been design ,i will give you the contact of the bank and all the legal documents that would warrant the transfer of the fund to you. please understand that this massage requires urgency as my ill-health demands, any delay in your response will  give me room to contact other person,i also want an assurance that you will use this fund for the purpose i have stated here.Hope to hearing from you. Remain blessed Mrs Angela Roberto Di Leo."

I decided to have a little fun with this one instead of simply deleting it. Here's our first round of correspondence.
My reply: 
"Hello dear friend, I am glad you have expressed interest in the Church of Satan. I will send you some fine pamphlets. Satan will provide. Hail Satan. Sincerely, Humberto Crowley"

She wrote me back today. Check it out:
"Tell me about the church and your activities, i also want to know if you are involved in any humaniterian activities. And how you are going to control these money.

More later.

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Seacrest Power

I was just reading a little blurb on Yahoo news about Ryan Seacrest's talk show getting cancelled, and they referred to him as a "mop-top metrosexual." I love journalism!!!!

I looked up the word "badasses" on Google image search, and this picture came up.  Posted by Hello

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Coffee and Cigarettes

Saw Coffee and Cigarettes at the Alamo Drafthouse Village over the weekend. Liked it a lot more than I thought I would. I'd seen the first three shorts before when a friend loaned me a bootleg tape. They were pleasant, but didn't exactly blow me away. I was expecting more of the same, but the cumulative effect of all the shorts back to back made something greater than the sum of its parts. It had a real resonance that I wasn't expecting, especially the last one with Taylor Mead and Bill Rice.

My job

My job fucking sucks.  Don't work as a proofreader for the state of Texas. Don't do it. If you're thinking about doing it, you're a fool. It's an ambition-destroying monster of apathetic, skull-fucking boredom, and it will crush your will to live. You've got to kill it before it kills you. It sucks. It sucks. It sucks.

Thursday, July 22, 2004

To tide you over until Tuesday, enjoy this photo! Posted by Hello

Don't Panic

To my legion of adoring fans: There will be no new posts until Tuesday because my mom's coming to town for a visit. Try not to kill yourselves.  

Fred Pants

I like typing in fake names on Google image search and seeing the inexplicable, random junk that shows up. I just typed in "Fred Pants" and got mostly pictures of raccoons and Britney Spears.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Reliving those wonderful memories

Hey everybody. I was doing a bit of spring cleaning when I chanced upon a few of my old blogs from yesteryear. I really enjoyed reliving those wonderful memories and, in a sudden burst of inspiration, thought that you might, too.  So, without any further ado, here's a blast from the past.  Hope you enjoy it, gang!
May 20, 1982:
Got up this morning and helped myself to a heaping helping of eggs and bacon! It tasted great! What a fantastic way to start my day. Then I shot a few hoops on the corner with my friend Julio. We argued over who was sexier, Olivia Newton-John or Karen Allen. I say Olivia. She can get physical with me any day of the week, believe you me. LOL! The evening was a bittersweet one, however, despite the greatness of my day. You see, it was the last episode of "Barney Miller." That show has been an absolute beacon. I don't know how we're going to get by without it. It's been there for me since 1975. It was a real tearjerker, too, with the 12th Precinct being declared a historical marker two weeks ago since it was a former office of Teddy Roosevelt. Some real estate developers are going to turn it into a museum, I guess. Barney retired, and the rest of the gang are going to be shipped off to other precincts. I haven't cried this much since Jack Soo died in '78. Oh well, that show has been a Godsend and it made the last several years even more fun. :)
December 7, 1941:
Oh my God. We were bombed by the Japs today at Pearl Harbor in Hawaii. This is truly a day that will live in infamy. Could this mean war? Almost certainly, yes. Be strong, my fellow Americans.  : (                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    1 Million Years B.C.:   Me stab great gray beast with horn. Stab it with rock. Me bring food back to cave. Me think woman going to get stabbed with my horn tonight. LOL!       

Robots Have Never Disappointed Me

Robots mainly entertain or build electronics and cars.

Le Cercle Rouge

Caught Jean-Pierre Melville's Le Cercle Rouge at Austin's fancy-pants, old-timey Paramount Theatre last night.  I couldn't believe how many people showed up late. C'mon jerks. Learn what time a movie starts. I wish they'd lock the doors as soon as a movie starts so jerks couldn't walk in front of you and sit right next to you or right in front of you or whisper to each other about where to sit or stand there forever looking stupid waiting for their eyes to get adjusted to the dark. Show up on time, jerks. If you can't, then piss up a rope. Eat it.  Jerks. The movie was excellent, though. Something about French crime movies. The criminals and the police are elegant. Everything moves at a sweet, slow pace. Things are cool, but not hip. Jewelry is stolen. Expert marksmanship is displayed in a practical but exciting manner. Excellent cars are stolen and driven excellently. The nightclubs are everywhere you want to be. The policemen are sad when they have to shoot the criminals they've grown to admire. The ladies are sexy.  Value for money, my friends. Value wasted on jerks who show up twenty minutes late for the movie. Show the film and the rest of us who got there on time a little respect, you turbo-douches.

Tuesday, July 20, 2004


It ain't easy being cheesy.


If otherworldly presences are disturbing your home, contact psychic and ghost hunter Peter James and his mustache.

I hope you like naked Chinese ladies. Posted by Hello

THUMBS UP Posted by Hello


For some wicked sax, click on track 1.

Monday, July 19, 2004

Cock Box

One of my coworkers was walking around in a city park last weekend and found a box full of dead roosters. Delightful!


This will soon be a weekly feature, telling you what movies I watched over the weekend. I'm a movie fanatic and usually rent four movies a week on two-for-one Tuesday at a local video store I won't mention because the employees are sarcastic hipsters. Why four? Because two is not enough and six is too much. So, like clockwork, it's always four. Sometimes, I may give a review of each one, but I don't feel like it today, so you're only going to get a few short comments.
Here's what I watched over the weekend (director in parentheses):
Tragedy of a Ridiculous Man (Bernardo Bertolucci)
I'm not a huge Bertolucci fan. I thought "The Dreamers" was one of the worst films I've ever seen, "Stealing Beauty" was a silly trifle, "Last Tango in Paris" was good but overrated, "Before the Revolution" was pretentious and suffered from a wooden lead actor, and "The Last Emperor," despite its many strengths, was too much of a "well-made film." This one, however, really captivated me and is now one of my two Bertolucci favorites, along with "The Conformist."
Germany, Pale Mother (Helma Sanders-Brahms)
Eva Mattes plays the lead here. I love Eva Mattes from her work with Werner Herzog and Rainer Werner Fassbinder, especially "Stroszek." The first half is pretty great, too, but the pacing starts to flag at about the halfway point, and the tragedies pile up in such bleak, grim succession that the film comes close to self-parody. Still worth a look.
Raise the Red Lantern (Zhang Yimou)
This is a beautiful movie. See it.
Hotel Room (David Lynch, James Signorelli)
This is an anthology of the first and only three episodes from a failed HBO series. Lynch directs the first and third, Signorelli the second. The first two are interesting, but just okay, though the first is helped by Harry Dean Stanton and the second by Griffin Dunne. The third segment is pretty great, though, with Crispin Glover and Alicia Witt as Oklahomans stuck in a NYC hotel room during a blackout.
I'm done being pretentious now. 


My name is not really Bernard Plank.

Mmm. Good. Food tastes good. Posted by Hello

Brief Introduction

Hello, Internet. My name is Bernard Plank. I hate my job. I watch a lot of movies. I like the music. I also like to read books. I'm getting married soon. Okay. All that shit's out of the way. There really is no graceful way to start one of these things.