And I thought my journalism degree was worthless. Sociologists, thanks for making me feel slightly better.
Today, we're going to consider the five crucial decisions a bystander must make before assisting in an emergency, courtesy of sociology.
1. First, the bystander must notice the emergency. That's right. This is the first step. If the bystander doesn't notice the emergency, he can't help. Do do do do, just strolling along, minding my own business. Wait, is that man on fire?
2. Second, the situation must be interpreted as an emergency. That man probably doesn't want to be on fire, right? (Places cell phone call to find out if being on fire is bad.) Yes, we are dealing with an emergency here.
3. Third, responsibility must be assumed. I am the only one here. Maybe I should put out that fire.
4. Fourth, the appropriate form of help must be chosen. Maybe I should dump my Big Gulp on the man. Or perhaps urinate on him. Maybe use my phone to call 911.
5. Finally, the form chosen must be implemented. I will pour my Big Gulp on him. Oh god, why is he still on fire?
Isn't this five-step process self-evident common sense understood by anyone over the age of four? Why does it need to be spelled out and taught to college students, particularly step one? Maybe if we apply this process to something less life-threatening the ridiculous obviousness of it all will become more apparent.
The five crucial decisions one must make before eating a taco
1. The taco must be noticed. Whoo! I just noticed these items on a plate!
2. The taco must be recognized as a taco. What are these things? Cell phones? Footballs? Tacos? (places first taco up to ear and attempts to place call. Taco filling falls out on the floor. Kicks second taco across the room. Shell breaks, filling is scattered across the room.) These must be tacos!
3. Responsibility must be assumed. It is up to me, and only me, to eat the remaining tacos!
4. The appropriate form of taco dispensal must be chosen. I know, I will hold the taco in my hand, bring it up to my mouth, and then chew and swallow. That is the proper course of action.
5. Implement the choice. (bites down on taco) These tacos are delicious!