Tuesday, January 03, 2006

How I spent my summer vacation

I have returned from the long trek north to the Middle West, from the rural panhandle and the capital city, the hometown and the alma mater, visiting the relatives gained through blood and the relatives gained through outdated civil ceremonies, the friends old and newish. I shat in many toilets, petted several dogs and cats, talked to children and the elderly, quaffed many spirits and intoxicants, ingested a delightful array of candies, cookies, meats, cheeses, et al., drove around in an oppressively beautiful fog the likes of which I have rarely seen, played the bongos to an ABBA song 'til my knuckles bruised... It was the summer of '69. No, that's not right. It was the Christmas of '05. Now, it is '06. I have resolutions four: 1) Get a fucking job. 2) Get in better physical shape. 3) Write even more. 4) Always live in the present. Destroy the past, ignore the future.

On an unrelated note, I was in a movie theater a few days ago, and I saw a movie trailer that looked fantastic. Fantastic means fucking terrible, right? Sorry, I just looked up the word "fantastic" in the dictionary. I am mistaken. What I meant to say was, I saw a movie trailer that looked fucking terrible. It seems the dream-makers in the imagination factory over in Hollywood, California have continued to blaze exciting new cinematic screensavers for our passive Coke-drinking ceremonies that take place in Masonic-esque institutions known as cineplexes. The latest shitsterpiece from Genius Land is a remake of seventies disaster turd "The Poseidon Adventure," helpfully renamed "Poseidon" so we don't have to go to the trouble of remembering more than one word when we take our retarded stepnieces to the Moronic Temple on opening night. I'm so glad those visionary empaths in Hollywoodland have the foresight to trim extraneous words from remake titles. Case in point: "The Bad News Bears." When I first heard about the remake, I was confused. I can only process three words at a time, so the information sounded like gobbledygook. Fortunately, Hollywood was listening to my confusion. The movie was renamed "Bad News Bears." Finally, I could understand the title. Thanks, rich douchebags in suits. Dropping the "The" turned the film from a will-miss to a can't-miss! In my book, they could go even further. Instead of "Poseidon," why not just "P"? The box office receipts will increase tenfold. Nevertheless, I will be first in line to see "Poseidon." I hear it's "Titanic" on a boat! Or "Die Hard" in a skyscraper on a plane in a boat! Or "The Wizard of Oz" with more tsunamis! Or "The Passion of the Christ" if Jesus was a boat! What would Jesus do ... if He were a boat? Ask a priest in a theater near you!

Enjoy this photo of my Christmas vacation. If you want to see more, look at my ladyfriend's Flickr page. There are many more where those came from, to be added at a later date. Warning: May contain trace elements of rat feces, peanuts, Dr. Mystery, Spacebeer, Plop Blop, Mary P Pants, Team Bartleby, Casual Ninja, June of 40Jake's apartment, and members of the Peabo Bryson cover band Papers.

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