Wednesday, January 18, 2006

When a shitty band beats up the singer from another shitty band, everyone wins

The water cooler talk when I was back in Lincoln, Nebraska seemed to be dominated by the recent bar brawl between the members of former local embarrassments turned on-again, off-again rock stars 311 and former Creed singer Scott Stapp. The story, as corroborated by eyewitnesses: a drunken Stapp hits on a woman in a bar, who happens to be married to one of the members of 311. 311 get pissed off, collectively, and beat the shit out of Stapp, collectively. Pretty funny story, right? It gets better. I see a little blurb about the bar brawl in the latest issue of "Teenage Panty Digest"* and 311 have come forward with their side of the story, collectively. They claim, contrary to eyewitness reports, that Mr. CreedStapp drunkenly approached them, out of the blue, and said this: "311, I am ready to fight." I fucking wish it had gone down that way. That's a beautiful sentence. Read it out loud, wherever you are: "311, I am ready to fight." That's a fucking mantra, is what that is. Scott Stapp, you are no longer the former singer for an unlistenable band with the worst album cover in the histories of music and graphic design. You are an American hero.




*Spin magazine

7 comments:

milk and cake said...

they fucking love 311 in colorado. 311, incubus, creed...any and all shitty bands are universally loved here. sometimes i wonder what the hell i'm doing...

kristykay said...

In Lincoln, particularly when I was in high school and college, everyone went apeshit over 311 because they are from Omaha. In fact, the first show I ever went to in a bar with friends was a Yardapes (local crappy local band, some members of which went to my high school) show where 311 opened. I never really liked 311. (Also, for Lincoln folks, this show was at Iguanas, a place I haven't entered since).

Rustle.Destroyer said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Rustle.Destroyer said...

Oh yeah?! Well, I know an irrefutable science fact: Scott Stapp is actually not a human. Rather, he is half gorilla - half antelope. He is supposedly very territorial and he loves to spray his own musk all over the place. His grease-covered body is a foul-tasting specialization that has occured over thousands of years of evolution, which acts as a sort of defense against would be predators. The song 'You will take me higher' is actually a sort of love call, which the Scott Stapp sings to proclaim that he has already built an intricate nest made of sticks, mud, and his own waste. It's totally true.

kristykay said...

I was just typing in the address for your blog, but I typed facepants instead of faceplant. I thought you should know. Also, there is no such page as facepants.blogspot.com, but maybe there should be.

casual ninja said...

that album cover seems like something that was cooked up at the mother earth shrine. i burn a blue candle for all of the good poop that went to waste to create that miracle of design. i just vomited in my mouth. it was a nice improvement. thank you mother earth. goddess bless you, creed.

311, i am ready to fight.

casual ninja said...

saying that really does make me laugh out loud every time.