Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Holy shit, what's my problem? Do I even have a problem? Am I great? Hunky dory, even?

I have a lot of alcoholics in the family tree, and I've been warned by doctors that it is an inherited trait. More than one doctor, in fact! But not my current doctor! He's more concerned with my hoagie intake! The problem, for me, seems to lie in the symptoms. Everyone seems to think that alcoholism is revealed when hidden drinks are discovered throughout the abode. The toilet tank, say, or behind the powertools in the garage. I have a problem with this symptom, though, because the amount a person has to hide depends on the temperament of his significant other. Say a man is forbidden to drink more than three drinks per week by his wife, gay lover, hidden extra-terrestrial, or talking basketball-playing werewolf. If he has that fourth drink, beer # 4 is probably hiding somewhere. But four drinks per week does not an alcoholic make. If the same man is drinking twelve bottles of whiskey per week, but the significant other allows it, an element of denial is strongly in place. Evidence: That werewolf was really good at slam dunking the ball, but, when he decided to simply be himself, we still won the state championship! Conclusion: Binge drinking is fully justified! USA! USA! USA! If any of you would like to talk to me, I'm passed out in my own bile! Color Me Badd 4 Life!


kristykay said...

I wonder if Dr. Huxtable hides hoagies in the toilet tank?

archivaria said...

maybe dr. mystery would benefit from a brightly colored swearter with an urban pattern. checkerboard, anyone? what about a teal, mustard, magenta and orange checkerboard? and maybe some pudding pops?