Friday, April 01, 2005

Lapses in judgment by awesome dudes who should know better

Two of my favorite artists have disappointed me by endorsing absolute shit. I know I'm too old to care about this, but I am an immature child who wants the bands I like not to like other bands I hate. I am a baby. Let the reprimands begin:

David Byrne. I'm calling you out. I like you very much. On your website, davidbyrne.com, you have programmed your own radio station, much of it good, some great, at worst pleasant. However, you have a song by Bob Schneider on your station. Bob fuckin' Schneider. The scourge of Austin. He's so terrible. Bob fuckin Schneider. He used to date Sandra Bullock. His music sounds like the way Sandra Bullock's movies look. Why, David Byrne? Why?

Reprimand #2: Yo La Tengo. You are one of my favorite bands. Your records are great. Your live show is excellent. Every year, you do a charity benefit in Hoboken in which you invite other musicians to play cover songs with you. This year, Conor Oberst sang two songs with you. What the fuck? I feel like crying when I even vaguely think about this. It hurts me deeply. I hate Conor Oberst so much. Yo La Tengo, your years of service in my record collection count for a lot. I can't stay mad at you. But, Conor fuckin' Oberst. Bright Eyes is the worst thing I've ever heard in my life. God, Bright Eyes. Bright fuckin' Eyes. Plus, he's a humorless dick. I hate his crybaby anus voice and his self-pitying song-turds. "I'm crying right now while I sing because life is so hard. Why must I be able to do what I want, have no day job, travel the world, play with Yo La fucking Tengo, and fall ass over nuts into several vaginas. I will now brood into the camera for pictures that will soon grace the next 1200 magazine articles about me this month. Woe is me. The pain of life. The pain. The misery. Why, God, why did you burden me with success on my own terms? How horrible it is." What a bag of shit. I wish I could murder him. I hate him so much. I hate him so much. When people have heard me badmouth Conor Oberst (which I do a lot. I'm weirdly obsessive in my all-pervading hatred of the man and his music, but I've had his dung shoved down my earhole a lot more than your average person, since we're both from Nebraska and he was a local sensation while I was going to college. I was forced to hear him on college radio, at parties, and even live at my favorite local bars. I thought I had escaped him when I came to Austin, but unfortunately he became semi-famous and now it's impossible to open a magazine without seeing his precious, fragile self.), they usually say to me, "You're just jealous." You're goddamn right I'm jealous. I'm insanely jealous of the life he gets to lead. I'm guilty. You caught me. I'm jealous of Conor Oberst's life. Every Monday morning at the next shitty office job I get, I will think of that motherfucker playing with Yo La Tengo. But you know the line about "just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not after you." It's also true that just because you're jealous, doesn't mean his music isn't worthless. He's snowed so many people with his contrived, artificial, affected, false art. He sucks. I hate him so much. I've never hated another musician's work so much in my life. What is wrong with me? Why do I hate him so much? I need help.
In conclusion: Shame on you Yo La Tengo. Shame on you.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

i like sad songs

Spacebeer said...

Aw dude, I just stepped in a song turd!

Josh Krauter said...

It has nothing to do with disliking sad songs. I love sad songs. I don't like Bright Eyes' affected pretense and whiny singing style.

Anonymous said...

See Bob Live...then try and say he sucks. He is amazing. Only music snobs that have only gone as far as his mainstream records would say something like that. He is probably over your head.

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