I have been given the gift of precious life and I squander it like this:

Last night, after all my guests went home from another Bad Movie Night, I found myself unwilling to get off the couch due to a combination of cheap beer and I forget what else, though I do remember that it is absolutely "legal." I turned on my local Fox affiliate, which is the only channel I get thanks to my cheap antenna, and its syndicated late evening lineup of "The Simpsons," "Seinfeld," and "King of the Hill." I try not to watch a lot of TV (I don't consider movies TV, but if you count anything you watch on a television as watching TV, I guess I watch a lot of it. My actual TV watching is pretty much confined to Fox's Sunday night lineup and whatever's on right after I get home from work while I eat dinner. The best decision I ever made was not getting cable. I thought I would really miss it, but I haven't had cable for six years, and life is so much better without it), but when I feel like it, the previously mentioned late evening Fox lineup is pretty excellent. However, for some horrible reason, the usual shows had been pre-empted for the evening for a "special movie presentation" of Martin Lawrence in "Big Momma's House." And I watched the whole fucking thing because I did not feel like I was capable of moving at that particular two-hour segment of time. Forget all that "I learned it by watching you, Dad" and your brain looks just like a scrambled egg yolk under the influence bullshit. If you really want to keep kids on the straight and narrow, show them any random three minutes of my wasted ass lying on the couch watching this monstrosity of turgid dung, which, according to Gene Shalit* of NBC's "Today Show," is a "delightful romp -- imagine Mrs. Doubtfire gangbanged at gunpoint by Amos n Andy -- that had me twirling my ludicrously oversized mustache in pants-wetting glee."

*Not an actual quote, though his mustache is quite large