Sunday, July 12, 2009

Chocolate Milk Death Metal Shootout

This is hilarious. Guitarist for death metal band Malevolent Creation, Phil Fasciana, claims that he stopped in at a Ft. Lauderdale convenience store to get some chocolate milk on Friday afternoon and walked into the middle of a robbery. He claims that the would-be robber, a crazed crackhead, fired four rounds directly at him but missed. He then tackled the robber and took his gun. The robber reached into his sock and pulled out another gun, so Fasciana shot the man twice in the head, killing him. Fasciana also claims that the convenience store owner is offering him free chocolate milk for his lifetime. Fasciana's own unintentionally hilarious account of the alleged robbery can be found here and here. My favorite part of his account is this gem, "It was the most fucked up thing I have ever been involved with, besides my ex-girlfriend!!"
Even more hilariously, Ft. Lauderdale police are emphatically insisting that the shootout never occurred. In fact, there haven't been any convenience store robberies in the city for an entire month, and no murders for a couple of weeks.
The message boards on the metal site covering this story are equally fantastic. Here are some of my favorites:
Domcoccaro writes, "Glad he set the record straight. What's everyone's favorite MC record? Mine would have to be Envenomed."
allihadigave writes, "Anyways, this story is going to put utter fear in the death metal listening to homeless crackhead community for sure. Now they fuckin' know, lol....."
And Then There Were None provides this poignant observation, "I don't follow this band, nor do I condone killing people, but, as said above, that is metal as fuck."
'OWNN-idge lays down this truth, "THIS JUST FLAT-OUT PLAIN RULEZ ALL-
Wet Toilet Paper makes us all think with this comment, "Alright well Phil deserves more recognition than a life time supply of chocolate milk for his courage and bravery. It'll at least make a kick ass album cover (like Stillborn). HEAD BANG TO THAT FUCKER!!!!"

Multiple metal fans have angrily responded to those doubting Fasciana's story by claiming that thousands of convenience store shootings happen in Florida every day and the police and news media can't possibly keep track of all of them. A skeptical, proactive metal fan has done some investigating to counter these claims: "Ok, the Sun Sentinal and the Miami Hearld, both ft. Lauderdale news papers, say it did'nt happen, no record of it as a story like this. You know this would have gotten lots of coverage. The ft. lauderdale police department (954 828-5700, criminal investigations) say they have not had a death / homicide involving a robbery this month and this did not happen. The County Medical Examiners Office (954 327-6500) said the whole county has not had a fatal shooting / homicide this month.

All of these agencies have gotten together in a conspiracy to keep this quite? Sombody would be talking about it. Check for yourself, make some calls.

As a matter of fact the only person talking about bit is Phill....

bangyermfhead agrees: "Awesome. Thanks for actually doing the legwork. This country is fucked up in a lot of ways but it cracks me up when people act like it's Escape from NY or Mad Max out there and innocent bystanders are just getting mowed down by the dozens on an hourly basis."

Then there's this.

And this commentary on MilkGate is also very funny.

I love this story, and I hope there will be new developments.


steigrrr said...

envenomed fuckin OWNS, bro, no doubt. but makin this shit up just to get free chocolate milk? lame. now if it was free cheese fries for life, that would be another story ...


death metal listening to homeless crackhead

Anonymous said...

Fine. Maybe it didn't happen, but cool image though no?