The name of my funk side project is ...

Hypothetical 3-Way



The name of my imaginary one-man funk side band comes from a discussion with my wife about our respective parent-child secret boyfriends and girlfriends: Charlotte Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin for me, Tim and Jeff Buckley for her. We have given each other permission to have a three-way with our respective SGs and SBs, should the opportunity arise (regular one-on-one contact, however, is strictly forbidden). We're guessing the opportunity will never arise, especially for my wife, because both of her SBs are dead, but double especially because most people would not want to partake in a three-way with a member of their family. Nevertheless, if I ever become an international scenester, or if my wife gets access to a time machine and infiltrates the semi-underground rock scenes of late 60s/early 70s Los Angeles and early 90s New York, look out Penthouse Forum.

Unrelated note: While I was writing this post, a bunch of skinny-jeaned, anorexic, sweaty, stupid-looking indie-rock losers who have just moved into our apartment complex tried stealing the chairs and plant we have sitting outside our window, but I looked out the window, and they all took off. I'm not bragging one iota when I say I could have beaten all 15 of them to a bloody pulp single-handedly while holding the beer I'm drinking. And I'm a lover, not a fighter. I'm the kind of person who would lose a bar fight before it even started. And I would destroy these willowy, wispy, shitty little creeps.

Related note: My sentence construction was a little fucked up, so it reads like Charlotte Gainsbourg is Jane Birkin's mother. Charlotte is the daughter, Jane is the mother. If you're reading this, ladies, I have permission. Don't get creeped out. I'm cool.

Chocolate Milk Death Metal Shootout

This is hilarious. Guitarist for death metal band Malevolent Creation, Phil Fasciana, claims that he stopped in at a Ft. Lauderdale convenience store to get some chocolate milk on Friday afternoon and walked into the middle of a robbery. He claims that the would-be robber, a crazed crackhead, fired four rounds directly at him but missed. He then tackled the robber and took his gun. The robber reached into his sock and pulled out another gun, so Fasciana shot the man twice in the head, killing him. Fasciana also claims that the convenience store owner is offering him free chocolate milk for his lifetime. Fasciana's own unintentionally hilarious account of the alleged robbery can be found here and here. My favorite part of his account is this gem, "It was the most fucked up thing I have ever been involved with, besides my ex-girlfriend!!"
Even more hilariously, Ft. Lauderdale police are emphatically insisting that the shootout never occurred. In fact, there haven't been any convenience store robberies in the city for an entire month, and no murders for a couple of weeks.
The message boards on the metal site covering this story are equally fantastic. Here are some of my favorites:
Domcoccaro writes, "Glad he set the record straight. What's everyone's favorite MC record? Mine would have to be Envenomed."
allihadigave writes, "Anyways, this story is going to put utter fear in the death metal listening to homeless crackhead community for sure. Now they fuckin' know, lol....."
And Then There Were None provides this poignant observation, "I don't follow this band, nor do I condone killing people, but, as said above, that is metal as fuck."
'OWNN-idge lays down this truth, "THIS JUST FLAT-OUT PLAIN RULEZ ALL-
EVERY THING ABOUT THIS IS MONEY!
BETTER THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD INCLUDING CHEESE FRIES+"
Wet Toilet Paper makes us all think with this comment, "Alright well Phil deserves more recognition than a life time supply of chocolate milk for his courage and bravery. It'll at least make a kick ass album cover (like Stillborn). HEAD BANG TO THAT FUCKER!!!!"

Multiple metal fans have angrily responded to those doubting Fasciana's story by claiming that thousands of convenience store shootings happen in Florida every day and the police and news media can't possibly keep track of all of them. A skeptical, proactive metal fan has done some investigating to counter these claims: "Ok, the Sun Sentinal and the Miami Hearld, both ft. Lauderdale news papers, say it did'nt happen, no record of it as a story like this. You know this would have gotten lots of coverage. The ft. lauderdale police department (954 828-5700, criminal investigations) say they have not had a death / homicide involving a robbery this month and this did not happen. The County Medical Examiners Office (954 327-6500) said the whole county has not had a fatal shooting / homicide this month.

All of these agencies have gotten together in a conspiracy to keep this quite? Sombody would be talking about it. Check for yourself, make some calls.

As a matter of fact the only person talking about bit is Phill....
WTF........"

bangyermfhead agrees: "Awesome. Thanks for actually doing the legwork. This country is fucked up in a lot of ways but it cracks me up when people act like it's Escape from NY or Mad Max out there and innocent bystanders are just getting mowed down by the dozens on an hourly basis."

Then there's this.

And this commentary on MilkGate is also very funny.

I love this story, and I hope there will be new developments.

Ridiculousness sticks to me like a magnet

13-hour drive yesterday + suppression of excess anger and confusion at the world and anyone who pressures you to aspire to a complacent middle class lifestyle and/or excessive consumer product purchasing + post-vacation depression + failure to re-acclimate to the brutal Texas heat after mild, beautiful Wisconsin weather + back to the office tomorrow + lack of quality sleep last night even though the quantity was there + no air conditioning in rock club + exhaustion + dehydration + three-fourths of the crowd leaving or playing with their phones during the show + bass drum pedal that kept falling off mid-song + drum set that partially collapsed during the penultimate song, which became the ultimate song + mild public meltdown + immediate feeling of embarrassment after mild public meltdown = Wednesday, July 8, 2009 in the life of Dr. Mystery. On the other side of the coin, I got free pizza. Suicide, you lost this round.