I was returning to my apartment after my evening constitutional (to keep my heart sexy and erotic and combat my previous interest in Hardee's' Monster Burgers) yesterday when an enormous grackle flew at my head. I was spooked, but continued on, figuring it just didn't see me when it flew out of the tree. Unfortunately, the bird had seen me. Turns out, it was a jerk. It perched atop the apartment complex, fluffing itself up like it was Kofi Annan, then it flew at my head again. Directly at my head. It missed by only a few inches. What a dick. I'm not sure why it did that. I know that a condor will defecate on itself to cool down, but I don't know from grackles. Maybe I was too close to the nest, but I walk by that tree every day and I've never been attacked before. That bird is a dead man. It's debuted at number three on my shitlist. Pat Sajak, you've been bumped back down to number four. Rest easy tonight, Sajak, but only tonight. Prepare for a wheel of misfortune, jerk.
There's a new age store in our neighborhood that sells shit like crystals, candles, incense, rain sticks, dreamcatchers, spirit weavers, horse whisperers, angel sniffers, horseshoes of multiculturalism, etc. I walked by it tonight. There was a sign in the window that said "Intuitive Circle Wednesdays." When I looked in the window, there were about twenty people sitting in a circle, staring at each other. Can I make fun of them? Is the target too easy? Is it like punching a baby in the throat? I think I'll leave them alone for now and cultivate my haughty sense of superiority silently.
Sincerely,
the genius who is entering his sixth month of unemployment
Listening to: Talking Heads - Naked
2 comments:
A few questions...what is a grackle? Who is number one and two on the shit list? Alf? Tony Danza? Joe Stinco? Who?
I am super scared of birds (although a lot less so than I used to be) when we first moved here, the grackles scared me so bad that I would have bad dreams where they were tugging on me and flying at my head. They do this crazy puff-up and scream thing, mostly in the spring when they are mating and going crazy. Then in the summer all the baby grackles that were born into the spring turn into the ugliest, stupidest teenage bird ever. I've grown to sort of admire their weirdness, but it still freaks me out.
This is an awesome drawing of a grackle, although it makes it look a lot bigger than they really are.
Post a Comment