Friday, November 30, 2007

A history of unfortunate coincidences #3

This man's parents met and had unprotected sex at least once.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

A history of unfortunate coincidences #2

Failed singer Mary Desti, the mother of film director Preston Sturges, forced her young son into a bohemian lifestyle he hated, flitting around from country to country and museum to museum on her rich businessmen husbands' dimes. She briefly dated Aleister Crowley, who called the young Sturges a "most god-forsaken lout." Desti also became close friends with the dancer Isadora Duncan. Duncan had a fondness for wearing long scarves. Desti founded a cosmetics company called Maison Desti. The company carried a scarf that Desti thought Duncan would love. She presented it to her as a gift. Duncan wore the extremely long scarf when she hopped into the 1924 Amilcar of an Italian mechanic she planned on sleeping with. Her scarf became tangled around a wheel of the car, choking and yanking her to her demise. Ironically, the car is often erroneously reported to be a Bugatti, perhaps because that brand of automobile was the nickname given to the mechanic by Duncan. Desti, who was there when Duncan got in the Amilcar, told reporters that Duncan's last words were "Goodbye, my friends, I am off to glory." Later, she admitted making this up to protect Duncan's reputation, whose real last words were "I am off to love." Desti's son Preston went on to become one of the greatest writer/directors of comedy in film history. His golden rules for successful comedy:
"A pretty girl is better than a plain one/ A leg is better than an arm/ A bedroom is better than a living room/ An arrival is better than a departure/ A birth is better than a death/ A chase is better than a chat/ A dog is better than a landscape/ A kitten is better than a dog/ A baby is better than a kitten/ A kiss is better than a baby/ A pratfall is better than anything."

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Free Giveaway! First come, first served! Free!

Hey dudes and dudettes,
Those crazy limeys from across the pond sent me two of something when I only wanted one of something. If anyone would like an extra copy of this month's Mojo magazine and free CD, please respond first in the comments section for this post. One caveat: You must be in Austin sometime whenever or be in either eastern or western Nebraska during the Christmas holidays. I'm too damn busy to mail anything, so tough luck, chumps. Led Zeppelin is on the cover. Not the golden, glistening rock gods of yore, unfortunately, but the graying graybeards of today. However, these men have aged surprisingly well, with the exception of John Bonham, who did not make the cover. Particularly John Paul Jones. What a magnetically handsome man. A man's man. A suave man. A man who knows how to please, and how to tease. I am lost in his eyes, never to return. Oh John Paul Jones, take me away from all this hustle and bustle (in my hedgerow)! (groans, booing)
The magazine also features, according to the cover (I've been too busy to open the thing and verify whether it's all a pack of lies, containing only 76 glossy pinups of Lance Bass): Elvis Costello, the Pretty Things, AC/DC, Ray Davies, Stevie Wonder, Radiohead, and the Beatles. The CD is a collection of British hard rock from 1968-1973, including The Pretty Things, Terry Reid, Slade, The Move, etc. Also the awesomely named Pete Brown & Piblokto!, and yes the exclamation point is part of the name. I haven't listened to it yet, but their CDs are usually pretty good.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Overheard in American Lit class

"You know how much I love butterflies, right?"


"Whoah! Tennessee Williams is a man?"

Saturday, November 10, 2007

What's the message?

I left a message for my wife yesterday that read: "Washing my car, back soon."
When I returned, I looked at the note and realized its confusion. It could be read as: "I'm washing my car. I'll be back soon."
"Washing my car and back soon."
This raises many questions. Would I be washing my back at the same time as I washed my car? Would I just be washing my back, or the rest of my body as well? And how soon? Doesn't the word "soon" look strange if you stare at it too long?

Monday, November 05, 2007

A history of unfortunate coincidences #1

In 1989, when Domino's Pizza's "Avoid the Noid" advertising campaign was at the height of its popularity, a 22-year-old schizophrenic in Georgia named Kenneth Noid believed the commercials directly targeted him. In retaliation, he kidnapped two Domino's employees and held them hostage. He forced them to make him a pizza, then demanded $100,000, a getaway car, and the Robert Anton Wilson novel The Widow's Son. They escaped. He turned himself in to the police.

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Words to live by

Life explained, from the W.C. Fields movie Million Dollar Legs:
"Here in Klopstokia, all the women are named Angela, and the men are named George."
"Why not?"