Thursday, January 31, 2008

Diamond Dave's Golden Pipes

Some wise fellow isolated the vocal track of Van Halen's "Runnin' with the Devil," a song I've probably listened to 5,000 times since the age of six, but this is, to use a word I hate, a revelation. This is the funniest goddamn thing I've heard since I was born. I'm not going to tell you how much or how little of this to listen to, but the last twenty seconds are the best.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008


Do some people even pay attention to what they're saying? Or writing on the Internet? I know they don't, and, you know, I don't really either, but come on. Check out this book review from a user on Goodreads:
"I can definitely put this book down. So far it's 'ok.' I must say the writing is Amazing though. It seems that for the first 50 pages, he doesn't even take a breath. There is a roll of language that has so much energy. The writing is entirely impressive and lyrical even though it creates a entirely basic life."

If you think the writing is amazing, impressive, and lyrical, and the language has energy, what makes the book mediocre? Did your book come with a bland taco salad? What else is there to a piece of writing other than writing and language? What the hell are you talking about, you stupid lady? I guess because the main character is "entirely basic?" Whatever the shit that means. By the way, I didn't tell you what book she reviewed because when you approach it the way she does, it doesn't matter.

(The book was "Hop on Pop.")
(Or was it?)

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

We go back in your time, brother

A transcript of an interview with Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka from the early 1980s:

RIPPER COLLINS: OK wrestling fans, this is Ripper Collins. And in the 6000 years there has been wrestling around the world, every country has known its great and its greatest. We've had people like Lou Thesz to represent the world's heavyweight championship; we've had Harley Race; great people, great wrestlers go all the way back centuries ago. And we're very lucky now to have among us probably the greatest wrestling star ever, because when you mention his name anywhere in the world---and I do mean anywhere in the world---they all come up with one fantastic person: the one, the only, the Superfly, Jimmy Snuka. The fantastic star of the world of wrestling. The man who flies through the air from the top rope
from 15 feet atop a cage onto his opponent. This is the one, the only, the great, Jimmy Superfly Snuka. It's my honor.

SNUKA: Thank you Ripper, ladies and gentlemen, you wonderful people out there in TV-land. Ripper, I appreciate the compliments you just gave to these people out there. Now you know Ripper, as we go along, and standing here before you ladies and gentlemen, all you people out there: the Hawaiians, the Samoans, the Fijans, the Tongans, the Filipinos and you name it as we go along down the line.

You know, Ripper, I've just been standing out here brother, listenin' to you mentioning about all these greatest wrestlers in the past, but nowadays we talkin' about today, tomorrow, and further on. You know, Ripper, there's a lot of people that comes out and stands before this camera and talk.

(EXTREMELY long pause)

You have to realize and know exactly and put it down to a point, to a view, to make sure that you people out there understand exactly what we pointing exactly to you.

Now I know brother, there's a lot of things in everybody's mind wondering what's going on in this world. Well, ladies and gentlemen, only you people can realize and understand one thing, to be paying attention is the only way to know what's going on. Now, Ripper Collins, you know there's a lot of things going on in this world, but there's a lot going on in professional wrestling! And professional wrestling is the name of the sport, there it is only one of its kind.

Now Ripper, there's been a lot of men that's been coming out of the United States, come flying into Honolulu, Hawaii. Why? Because all the professional wrestlers around the world, you name it, around San Francisco---which I'm looking forward to come there---even down all over the coast. Man, you name it, everybody is looking forward to come right here to Hawaii because they know Hawaii is the beautiful paradise of one of the South Pacific islands. You don't even name the Samoan islands, which is one of the prettiest of the South Pacific; the Tongan islands which is the South Pacific; the Fijan islands, which is another paradise of all the South Pacific islands. You name all these wrestlers that come here from all over the world; you name it we got it. And standing here right before you I am one of the Polynesians that represents all the Polynesian islands.

Ripper Collins, we go back in your time brother, that you are one of the greatest and still is. But ladies and gentlemen, you name it, we got it; but there is only one thing that I just like to know deep down in my heart: what is going on here? I want to know. I have to know. Because that's the only way to find out who's got what and who's got who.

Now the most important thing to everyone in professional wrestling, Ripper Collins, is challenging and getting into the ringcircle. Because for one thing everybody is challenging each other for one thing...for one thing, and what that one thing is Ripper Collins, and that's titles. Titles are all over the world, you name the titles that's 'round the world, it might be too much. But let me tell you one thing, it only take faith and confidence to get inside to that ringcircle wherever you at and fight. If it's here in Hawaii, which is so important and so special to me. Hawaiian Islands is what we represent; I represent the Polynesian islands, and if anybody think in their mind that they could come from the mainland, here to my part of my country, and think that they can come and try to demolish the Polynesian islands and and try to take away what they think that does not belong to them---what belongs to us is what we gotta keep in the Hawaiian Islands. Ho-hano, brother.

(about two minutes later, during the next match):

RIPPER COLLINS (attempting the save): I wanna tell the fans, Snuka was talking on his interview there, and in plain simple English what he was telling the whole world is: Jerry Lawler, you're coming to my Hawaii, to my Polynesian land, and I'm going to kick you from post to post and pillar to pillar and take that belt back.

Here's some other business:

Monday, January 28, 2008

Jon Voight: Super-Douche

"God sent an angel. His name was Rudy Giuliani. He's kind of a genius."
-- actual quote from Jon Voight

Jon Voight, on "The O'Reilly Factor": When I see our president defaced, which is defacing our country… it is very concerning to me that I have heard this from, you know, from people who have great celebrity, and they talk against our president. And I say, 'Well, this is a dangerous time, fellows.' They don’t realize…
Bill O'Reilly: The downside of free speech. And that’s what it’s all about.

Another hilarious example of Jon Voight's super-douchery: In the early 1980s, John Cassavetes directed Voight in Ted Allan's stage play "Love Streams." When Cassavetes rewrote the entire play (except for the character's names, jobs, and relations to each other) and turned it into a film, he kept the play's cast. After a long, hard battle for financing, a few short days before filming was set to begin on this highly personal film for Cassavetes, Voight bizarrely demanded to be the director. Voight had never directed a film before, and his only directorial credit since has been sharing the direction of a 1995 children's TV movie starring Ally Sheedy and Dom Deluise. Cassavetes told him to fuck off and played the role himself.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Comedy gold

My brother showed this to me last month, and I laugh every time I think about it.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Fun with record covers

Check out these links from the good people at WFMU. First, to see the scariest record cover ever, click here. (Click on the small image to enlarge and see the full scariness.)

Second, this Photoshop contest to extend album covers past their borders, creatively, has many pages of funny stuff. Click here. My favorite so far involves Pink Floyd and the Kool-Aid man.

Friday, January 18, 2008


I pissed my pants and had ten heart attacks laughing at these.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

The desiccated, lifeless corpse of Old Man Dr. Mystery gripes about the youth of today

Today, in my Life and Lit of the Southwest class, via a show of hands, three-fourths of the students had never heard of Larry McMurtry. One-third had never heard of Cormac McCarthy. These are English majors. From Texas!!?&*!
If I return to school again a decade from now, here is what I will hear and see:
Professor Smartypants: "How many of you have heard of books?"
Youth of the Near-Future: (Two people raise their hands, tentatively.)

I will show these little bastards no mercy when I start teaching them. They will read and write until they get arthritis and vomit blood. Then we will all have cupcakes.

Thursday, January 10, 2008


I recently received an email from a Jamie Bynum entitled "Want it longer?" I opened the missive and read "Make it grow," followed by a link. I've always wanted a thick, full head of hair, so I clicked on the helpful link provided by the friendly stranger. To my shock and horror, this link took me to a depraved and obscene filth-hole of phallic imagery and erotic nightmare. Mr. or Mrs. Bynum, you have won this round. BUT THE WAR IS STILL ON!!!!!!

In an unrelated bit of news, a friend of mine reworked part of his dissertation into an article for Pop Matters magazine. It's good. Here is the link (will not take you anywhere overtly phallic.)

Monday, January 07, 2008

I'm back

Hey, everybody. My editor told me that opossums are out and boobs are in for 2008.