Wednesday, September 07, 2016

The golden age of asinine action movie character names

Because of an inside joke at my work, I have been thinking about action movie character names from the late '70s to the mid-'90s and how gloriously stupid they are, and it got me curious about which past action star would take the crown as the champion of asinine character names. This is the result of my quick and most likely incomplete research. I'm probably forgetting some big names. I omitted Bruce Willis because he's only in a handful of action movies, and the names of his characters are pretty straightforward. I have cherry-picked the names that make me laugh. Some of these names are completely ridiculous, others are only funny because of the actor they are attached to. For example, Van Damme, Schwarzenegger, and Lundgren have thick European accents but often play characters with names like Dave Williams or Pete Smith. I've included Charles Bronson at the end as honorary grandfather. I think it's a pretty even battle between Sylvester Stallone and Jean-Claude Van Damme. Chuck Norris, as always, sucks rocks.

Sylvester Stallone
Cosmo Carboni
Deke DaSilva
Lt. Marion "Cobra" Cobretti
Lincoln Hawk
Lt. Raymond Tango
Angelo "Snaps" Provolone
John Spartan
Ray Quick
Robert Rath
Kit Latura

Arnold Schwarzenegger
John Matrix
Ivan Danko
Julius Benedict
Harry Tasker
U.S. Marshal John "The Eraser" Kruger
Jericho Cane

Steven Seagal
Nico Toscani
Mason Storm
Det. Gino Felino
Casey Ryback
Forrest Taft
Jack Taggart

Jean-Claude Van Damme
Gay Karate Man
Ivan Kraschinsky the Russian
Frank Dux
Gibson Rickenbacker
Kurt Sloane
Chad Wagner
Luc Deveraux
Chance Boudreaux

Dolph Lundgren
Ivan Drago
Lt. Nikolai Rachenko
Mike Anderson
Wellman Anthony Santee
Eric Brogar
Nick Gunar

Chuck Norris
Chuck Slaughter
J.J. McQuade
Max Donigan
Frank Shatter
Jake Wilder

Carl Weathers
Dreamer Tatum
Lt. Harry Braker
Sgt. Jericho "Action" Jackson
Kyle Western
Billy "Hurricane" Smith

The Grandfather
Charles Bronson
Linc Murdock
Joseph Wladislaw
Franz Propp
Col. Harry Dobbs
Link Stuart
Joe Valachi
Pardon Chato
Chino Valdez
Vince Majestyk
Raymond St. Ives
Major Grigori Borzov
Gifford Hoyt
Jeb Maynard
Joseph "Jock" Yablonski


karen said...

thank you for this public service, sir.

Jay said...