About the sandwich: Orgy of deliciousness. Get your bread, put a piece of Swiss cheese on top, throw some ham on there, some pineapple slices, some basil leaves, then another piece of Swiss cheese. Melt some margarine in a skillet, then grill the sandwich until the cheese is melted and the bread is golden. This sandwich destroys. Make it and you will believe. Don't thank me, though. Thank Martha Stewart and her food magazine my wife subscribes to. What can't that woman do (besides unclench her asshole and lighten the fuck up, I mean)? By "that woman," I'm referring to Martha Stewart, of course, and not my wife. Whew, dodged that bullet.
I'm going to watch the Oscars on Sunday. I watch the Oscars every year. Why? I don't know. For some reason, I'm compelled to watch them every year, and I'm entertained. I used to watch the Grammies and the American Music Awards and the Golden Globes when I was a kid, but I haven't watched these, or any other, awards shows for years and I haven't wanted to. I tried to watch the MTV video awards a few times in college, but I got bored and sleepy. Awards shows, in general, nauseate me. Celebrities are gross, rich, and needy. They have hollow, empty souls. They are attention vampires and creepy weasels who despise us while simultaneously hungering for our affection. And the most nauseating fucking thing of all, they need to get together for expensive, ever-proliferating ceremonies where they reward each other with shiny little statues and congratulate each other for being rich and famous and not one of us poor plebes. AND THEY EXPECT US TO FUCKING WATCH. "Hey, celebs," I say smugly back to my television before turning it off. "Fuck you, jerks. I'm not going enable your orgy of self-congratulation." But I'm powerless in the face of the Oscars! I can't look away! Why, god, why? It has nothing to do with my love for movies. The Oscars have as much to do with the art of film as John Stamos has to do with Abraham Lincoln's assassination. Don't believe me? Check out this hot streak of Best Picture Oscar winners for the years 1994-1998:
1994 - Forrest Gump
1995 - Braveheart
1996 - The English Patient
1997 - Titanic
1998 - Shakespeare in Love
The first three are turgid crap and the last two are entertaining crap. But they're all crap. And they all mean business as usual, congratulating us for what we already know. People are told the nominated films are the best of the year, and people believe it. What choice do they have? In most parts of the country, the public isn't given one. The studios think we're idiots and put low-brow garbage like "Fat Albert" and "Man of the House" and high-brow garbage like "The English Patient" and "Saving Private Ryan" and whatever the fuck else usually gets an Oscar nomination in every cineplex in the country while great, original, interesting films show for a week in an art theater in big cities and college towns if they're lucky and nowhere if they aren't. Why do studios and corporations despise us so much? If people were actually given a choice, if every movie was given the same distribution and ad campaigns, I think things would change. Maybe not a lot, but at least a few steps forward. What's the difference between a movie opening strong, then tapering off, like most mainstream movies do now, and a more difficult film opening slowly, then gaining momentum? There isn't any. But the latter situation is never allowed to happen, unless it happens by accident. I saw a great movie last year, "Crimson Gold," an Iranian film about a pizza delivery driver who snaps. I think a lot of people I know would really like it. It's exciting, unusual, not too cerebral, not too slow, and I think a lot of people could relate. It played at the Alamo Drafthouse for one night. In a lot of cities, and probably in every small town, it never played at all. You won't see it nominated on the Oscars. Meanwhile, "Forrest Gump" and "Saving Private Ryan" play in dozens of theaters in every city in the country and most of the world. No wonder so many people like those two films, when the competition is even several tiers lower and they're never given a chance to see something better. So fuck Hollywood and fuck the Oscars. But I'm a hypocrite. Must...watch...Oscars. Part of me watches so I can fuel my hatred of the modern Hollywood system, the cult of celebrity, and the mediocre, sentimental, patronizing, expensive shitballs of film that get nominated (though I happen to like a lot of the movies nominated this year, go figure). Part of me watches so I can make fun of moments like Halle Berry's hysterical, caterwauling overreaction to her win, Nicole Kidman's inarticulate, sanctimonious speech when she won ("I think the Oscars are important because art is important" or "aht is impohtant" as she pronounced it) and Billy Crystal sucking ass as host last year. But I guess the main reason I watch is because it's a bunch of famous movie stars and directors in one room and it's a spectacle. I like to huff and puff about integrity and art and the cancer of celebrity culture, but I'm a pop culture whore, too. My taste in art and entertainment is mostly for the small, the personal, the noncommercial, the archaic, and the weird. These are all fine qualities, but they do lack glamour. Every once in a while, I need a little glamour. So I'm still going to watch the Oscars, and I'm looking forward to it.
P.S. Can someone please kill Barbara Walters already? Her pre-Oscar interview show is a vomitorium of ass-licking. I know she used to be a serious journalist, but last year she interviewed Shrek. Any journalist, especially one who's interviewed Arafat, for chrissakes, who spends twenty minutes talking to a cartoon character in a barely disguised shill for an upcoming movie is no longer a journalist. She's now a publicist. Have some dignity. Have some dignity.
P.P.S. Dear Al-Qaida,
For your next terrorist attack on our soil, may I suggest flying a plane into Joan and Melissa Rivers? No innocent people need to lose their lives, and you would still be making a statement about destroying our culture and way of life. Can you please do this before they take to the red carpet Sunday night? Thanks. Oh, and when you're done, please disband. I'd appreciate it.
Your friend,
Tony Danza
Listening to: Salamander by Doug Gillard and the first three Flaming Lips albums
2 comments:
That was a really awesome sandwich. Really.
Also, I love awards shows -- more than you do, in fact. I would watch the golden globes and the emmys and the grammies, with pleasure. I even watched most of the Teen Choice awards this year, even though I didn't know who half the people on it were (did you know the trophy on that show is a full-sized surf board? who thought of that? are teens even into the surf culture any more?). I find celebrities very very entertaining, just because they are famous. I wouldn't ever subscribe to People or US Weekly, but if there is one in my vicinity, I'll page through it. I also like to look at all the dresses and see who came with who and see what non-famous spouses of famous people look like. So, damn straight, I'll be there with you watching the Oscars on Sunday. Hopefully they won't be as boring as they were last year. (Why, Sean Penn, why didn't you make a scene?!) At least there will be no Billy Crystal.
oh! i get the same magazine! i'm going to have to make that sandwich too. there's something about ham and cheese that is so wonderful, i can't wait to try another variation on that theme.
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