My favorite music of 2014, or geezers > youngsters/my year playing music

I usually write about my favorite films of the year on my movie blog, but I've never tried to do a favorite music of the year post because I thought it would be too much work to figure out. This year, I realized that the Date Added button in my iTunes and a few music and indie-label web sites would make that process easy.
This year really hammered home what a 37-year-old American man and Robert Pollard fan I am, but come on, people. The cliche that most artists only do work worth listening to early in their careers is fashionable bullshit. The stereotype was once true when the Baby Boomers (those monstrously self-absorbed assholes who think the '60s were the only decade that ever happened (so self-absorbed they make the millennials look like St. Francis) who fucked up, and continue to fuck up, everything) made great music in the late '60s and early '70s and then proceeded to suck lazily for the next 40 years (insert many notable exceptions here), but it's not really true anymore (and wasn't true of the old jazz and blues guys who influenced them). The people of later generations learned from their mistakes. Also, those Boomer rock gods and goddesses became multimillionaires and even billionaires, and rich people can't make art once they learn they're rich. Money and superfame are worse than drug addiction at extinguishing the creative spark, in my armchair not-fact-checked opinion.
I am continually creatively juiced up by new music made by people my age and older, on both the international and local levels, and underwhelmed by a lot of the music made by the post-tween set (again, insert the many notable exceptions here). At the Fun Fun Fun Fest I attend every year in Austin, the old folks regularly play mindblowing sets while the hyped attractive youngsters flail and pose and play songs that sound like Don Henley making love to Hall & Oates in a convenience store bathroom (which actually sounds pretty fantastic on paper, come to think of it). I like not relating to the youth of today, and I don't feel bad about that. I am getting older and I would like to glean the wisdom from the artists hitting that patch of road ahead of me instead of chasing the eternal youth mirage. All that being said, damn does that precocious lil' guy Ty Segall float my boat. Good job, young man.

Here are some 2014 records I enjoyed a great deal in 2014, in the order I added them to my computer (don't kick me in the taint, btw, I bought most of them first on vinyl or CD b/c artists should be paid for their work (except for the jerks who get paid way too much)):

Stephen Malkmus & The Jicks - Wig Out at Jagbags
Bohren & Der Club of Gore - Piano Nights
Guided By Voices - Motivational Jumpsuit and Cool Planet (Cool Planet is better but Motivational Jumpsuit has my favorite GBV song of the whole reunion: "Alex and the Omegas")
Beck - Morning Phase 
Damaged Bug - Hubba Bubba
The Men - Tomorrow's Hits
Doug Gillard - Parade On
Sweet Apple - The Golden Age of Glitter
Vertical Scratchers - Daughter of Everything
King Buzzo - This Machine Kills Artists
Neil Young -  A Letter Home
J Mascis - Tied to a Star
The New Pornographers - Brill Bruisers
Ty Segall - Manipulator and $INGLE$ 2
Le Butcherettes - Cry Is for the Flies (minus the two minutes of Henry Rollins poetry that precedes one song)
Shellac - Dude Incredible
Circus Devils - Escape
Mark Lanegan Band - Phantom Radio
Melvins - Hold It In
Moonsicles - Creeper
Thurston Moore - The Best Day
Guano Padano - Americana
Eyehategod - Eyehategod
Sleaford Mods - Chubbed Up +
D'Angelo - Black Messiah

2014 albums with some great moments that I enjoyed to a lesser extent overall than the above
The Unsemble - The Unsemble
The Afghan Whigs - Do to the Beast
Mac DeMarco - Salad Days
Thee Oh Sees - Drop
Death Grips - Niggas on the Moon
Twilight - III: Beneath Trident's Tomb
John Frusciante - Enclosure
Teenage Guitar - More Lies from the Gooseberry Bush
Split Single - Fragmented World
Tweedy - Sukierae
Neil Young - Storytone (the solo disc is good, the orchestral disc is pretty cheesy)
tetema - Geocidal

Older albums and box sets reissued in 2014 and 2014 compilations of old stuff put together for the first time in 2014 that I had a lot of time for (2014 edition) (2014) (it's two-thirds Numero Group) (2014)
Josefus - Dead Man
Al Green - Let's Stay Together
Unwound - Rat Conspiracy and No Energy
Various - Warfaring Strangers: Darkscorch Canticles
Sandy Denny & The Strawbs - All Our Own Work
Various - Music of the Mountain Provinces
Ned Doheny - Separate Oceans
The Brothers & Sisters - Dylan's Gospel
Nikki Sudden -all the solo and Jacobites reissues and Kiss You Kidnapped Charabanc with Rowland S. Howard
Bulbous Creation - You Won't Remember Dying
Led Zeppelin - III
Various - Eccentric Soul: Capitol City Soul and Eccentric Soul: The Way Out Label
Sensational Saints - You Won't Believe It
Solaris - The Waves of the Evernow
Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young - CSNY 1974
The Montgomery Express - The Montgomery Movement
Various - Local Customs: Cavern Sound
Various - Country Funk Vol. 2: 1967-1974
Various - Night Walker: The Jack Nitzsche Story, Vol. 3
Bedhead - 1992-1998
Jordan de la Sierra - Gymnosphere: Song of the Rose

Local business:
My band The Early Stages released our first hard-copy meat-space vinyl single in 2014, which you can still purchase and/or stream (see the post just below this one to find out how). We proved to be slightly less unpopular in the rest of the world than we are locally as no local stations played any of the three songs at any point in the entire year, not even at 3 a.m. Our local cachet, never that high to begin with, continues to plummet. (Humblebrags ahead.) However, Jon Solomon of Comedy Minus One Records played us on his show on New Jersey radio station WPRB, and Maximum Rocknroll played us on their online radio show. We were also reviewed favorably in Maximum Rocknroll and Wire magazine. That Wire review, which, if I may braggadociously point out, is an international publication, netted us one whole sale. Who says analog is dead, right? Stop backing away from me.

Austin bands we played shows with this year who played sets I particularly enjoyed:
Moonsicles
James Arthur's Manhunt
The John Wesley Coleman Band
Pharaohs
Suspirians
The John Pauls
New China
Rabbit Fist
Woozy Helmet
Foot Patrol

Our local brushes with fame and semi-fame: We played with a Rush cover band (Central Texas' premier Rush cover band, I've been told), Angelo Moore from Fishbone, Lesley Rankine from Silverfish, Pigface, and Ruby and her brother who is Public Image Ltd's current bassist and who has also played with Elvis Costello and Spice Girls (to an audience of 12 people), and got a nice compliment from Babes in Toyland's drummer (who was one of the 12 people in the audience). Gerard Cosloy walked out of two of our shows clearly bored. Prince sat in with us and played "When Doves Cry" and "Uptown." (I made one of these up, but it's not easy to spot. If you think you've found the untrue anecdote, write it down on a postcard depicting a tropical beach scene and send it to Can-Smashing Robot Lie-Spotting Contest 2014/15, 666 Fake Address, Blair, NE, 69854. If you guessed the lie correctly, you will receive a crate of organic California prunes and my power of attorney.)

Happy new year, you princes of Maine, you kings of New England. Don't fill up on bread, and keep it street legal. 

Promotional content

Please forgive this self-promotional post, but I play in a band called The Early Stages, and we put out a 7-inch recently. Copies are still available, and you can buy one at this link. If you don't want to buy it, you can also stream it for zero dollars at the same link. Ted Nugent sucks.

A song for every year of my life #28: 2004

I haven't done one of these for almost a year. I usually unintentionally abandon every series I start on this blog, but here it is, back from the grave. I want to post more frequently here, even though the nonspecific journal-style blogs seem to be dying (I'm a sucker for any medium or piece of the culture that's slowly dying), and this old series came to mind today. I'm almost always thinking about music anyway, and music is the only healthy thing that makes me feel better when I have convinced myself I'm a piece of shit loser. I'm going through a bit of a phase (13 years and counting is still a phase, right?) where I feel like an unsuccessful, perpetually broke, missed-my-calling, unable-to-communicate-verbally-with-humans, sad, angry, bitter, jealous failure, but music stops those thoughts and is better than my other means of coping (alcohol, television, food, repressed rage). Movies and books are also amazing things, but I have to be in an okay place to really engage with them. Music is some kind of voodoo-salve, cosmic gloom squeegee that can turn the room purple if you play it loud enough and give it your full attention. It's the only thing that works unconditionally in a world that is mostly complete and utter bullshit. (Well, my wife and my cats are pretty great, too, but I take the good things in my life for granted because I have problems.)
How cruel that 2004 is my next stop. Looking at the big list of records released in 2004, I don't see much I care about. I'm sure there are tons of local, below-the-radar 2004 records waiting to melt my face off, but the ones I've heard don't have the juice, except for a big pile of records by people I've already written about in this series (I'm trying to do just one song per artist) and a smattering of others. One of those others is the only musical hero of mine who follows me on Instagram, Doug Gillard. Gillard has played guitar for a metric fuckload of quality bands including Guided By Voices (who broke up again today, goddamn it), Cobra Verde, My Dad Is Dead, Death of Samantha, Gem, Bill Fox, Nada Surf, and Lifeguards. The guy is a guitar wizard who is really good at playing hot guitar sounds on the guitar for guitar aficionados, but never at the expense of a song. He's also a damn fine songwriter, with three damn fine solo albums and a damn fine solo EP. Here is the song "(But) I See Something" from his 2004 album Salamander. This song has a lot to recommend it. It's subtle, pretty, and catchy, with a girl group/early Pretenders/indie pop/classic rock swirl of sounds joining together into a nice little whole, and I dig the old-school parenthetical in the title. I'm a man who enjoys parentheticals.


Alternate choice: Melvins/Lustmord - "The Bloated Pope"
I love the Melvins. They're still a vital band putting out great records and trying new things three decades into their career. They're like the metal Yo La Tengo. This song is from their unfairly neglected collaboration with electronic noise terrorist Lustmord, Pigs of the Roman Empire, that is better than most 2004 records, especially the boring ones by Arcade Fire, Eminem, Kanye West, U2, Green Day, Sufjan Stevens, et cetera and so on that were getting all the attention from the critics that year. I like this song because it kicks ass and sounds good, and also because Lustmord got his start by going to high-profile shows and just getting on stage before the opening band and performing until someone figured out he wasn't on the bill and kicked him off the stage, and finally because I was raised Catholic and forced to go to church as a kid even though I never bought into that organized religion malarkey so you can probably guess the song title warms my heart. Ted Nugent sucks.

Tragicomedy is meltdown plus time

Politics are stupid. I'm not mad at anybody anymore. We're all doing what we can with what we've got and none of us are ever going to understand each other and that's got to be okay.

Blog Post

Please enjoy this completely unrelated photo of President Taft before you read this blog post, compliments of the creative team behind Mr. Krauter, the half-robot, half-hologram, all-hunk who was programmed to write this crap. 
Wowzers. Haven't updated this thing in a while. Need to put all the shit in my life that's out of whack back in whack, blow the dust off the neglected parts and give them some sweet, sweet attention, and stop wasting time like I did on Sunday arguing about politics with my relatives on Facebook. Is there anything worse than arguing on Facebook? I don't even give a shit about politics. I only give a shit about art and sandwiches. I lose respect for myself every time I get ensnared in that bullshit. I used to get ensnared in it a lot, because my relatives write and forward a lot of crazy shit and I stay up late and enjoy the occasional drink and the combination of all that stuff became deadly. Now I either hide the posts or ignore them, and I feel a lot better about myself. But, Sunday, man. They were dogpiling on my mom like bullies and making a lot of generalizations about a large, disparate demographic, and that pisses me off. I jumped in, things got heated, and crazy, crazy things were typed by almost all. It's impossible to write an eloquent sentence in the Facebook argument. Everyone ends up looking like the world's biggest jackass. No one came out of that online battle royale looking like a champion. I can be a real loser sometimes. I'm pretty disgusted with myself for wasting my time on it. Still don't get what happened to my relatives. They went through the neocon meatgrinder and came out the other side in a shiny Limbaugh/Hannity/O'Reilly sausage casing. Facebook-forwarding footsoldiers in the dissemination-of-bullshit army. Best to just keep on keeping three or four states in between us and remember the past is dead. We had some good times in the pre-Facebook days, before the pod people bodysnatched them. We're not any good for each other in the present.
The idea of family is something that troubles me. I used to think I had a handle on what it meant, but now I feel like I was in a balloon that popped. Every member of my immediate family lives in a different city or town in four different states, I can't relate to my uncles and cousins anymore, all the cool old folks died, my parents split up and made some very bad post-divorce relationship decisions I don't support, and I have my own life here with my wife and wacky cats and rock band and unfulfilling day job and mild depression and impending middle age and list of regrets. My life is statistically half over, and I haven't figured out a damn thing about how I can be useful to myself or others. And that's the weird place I'm at tonight.

Postscript: I posted this last night, felt weird about posting it, and then deleted it, then felt weird about deleting it, so here it is again, with some changes. Nobody even reads this shit anyway, so why censor myself?

Sitcom Catchphrase Quiz Party

I was walking down the street behind a sitcom writer a fortnight ago, and a document fell out of his pocket. I picked it up and kept it forever. This document was a quiz for prospective writing staff hires testing their catchphrase chops. I now present this document to you:

WHICH CATCHPHRASE IS BEST?
You will be presented with several hilarious and comical situations. Underneath the situations are four catchphrases that can be said by one of the totally outrageous main characters. Pick which one is the best. If you get them all right, we may interview you for a position on one of our madcap situation comedies like "The Slappies," "The Theory of Relativity," or "Single Robot Dad." Good luck, and as we say in show business, break a leg!!

1. The boss is coming over for dinner in three minutes and you are all out of Chianti! What catchphrase best sums up the situation?

A. You've GOTTA be kiddin' me!
B. It's not even Monday!
C. I must have slapped a baby in my past life!
D. This world we live in would seem cold, empty, and cruel if it wasn't so pointless!

2. You've accidentally arranged dates with two sexy ladies on the same night ... at the same restaurant! What catchphrase best sums up the situation?

A. Holy guacamole! (bites knuckle)
B. I can't believe I did it again! Goodnight, America!
C. Who do I think I am? Mick Jagger? (shrugs shoulders and grins toward camera)
D. My continuing objectification of women reveals a deep flaw in my character!

3. You walk into your swinging single neighbor's duplex and see an unsavory sexual act (tastefully presented offscreen). What catchphrase best sums up the situation?

A. That DEFINITELY ain't kosher!
B. Give me a time machine, somebody! I need to erase the last two minutes of my life!
C. Now that's the OPPOSITE of Viagra!
D. I will scoop out my eyeballs with a spoon and dance upon them until they are as flat as the terra firma on which we stand to ensure a revolting sight such as this will never again impress itself upon my soul!

4. Due to an administrative mishap, 200 extra pizzas have been delivered to the pizza party boy band benefit concert sock hop! What catchphrase best sums up the situation?

A. I said I could eat a lot of pizza, but THIS is riDICulous!!
B. I need a Caribbean vacation!
C. Cut me some slack!
D. There are starving children in this world who will never taste even one bite of pizza in their short, miserable lives, while here at Beach Party High, the streets are paved with hundreds of surplus pizza pies!

5. You and your loose cannon best friend, Jock Blingo, are handcuffed together for an entire weekend when he loses the key! What catchphrase best sums up the situation?

A. You've done it again, Blingo!
B. And it was such a pleasant morning!
C. I am not laughing out loud THIS time!
D. Our friendship is thin, superficial, and no longer of use to me!

The Dr. Mystery guide to "Miami Vice" for gentlemen and gentlewomen of leisure (Part 5: Season 5): The Final Chapter

The epic saga is finally at an end. I have exhausted the supply of Miami Vice episodes, leaving only a Miami Vice-sized hole in my heart. There were many highs, many lows, many ups, many downs, and many inexplicably strange lines of dialogue. For the past year and change, Miami Vice has been the wind beneath my wings, my surrogate father, a weirdly inappropriate uncle, and that guy who tried to sell me weed from his frat house fire escape that one weekend in 1996. But that's all over now. I'm on my own, the only set of footprints on the beach, a lone wolf, a shy bad boy with a heart of gold and no one to look out for me but me. I knew this day would come, but a man can never quite prepare for the day when he has to pack up, move on, and leave his 1980s television show behind. Thanks for taking this journey with me. (wipes away fake tear, chugs flask of leftover Zima)
To be honest, this season was a bit of a chore to plow through. The first two seasons were hilariously awesome, the third season showed some strain but was still 2/3 hilariously awesome, and the fourth season was terrible but in hilariously awesome ways, but the fifth season was pretty tired and worn out. Most Miami Vice fans consider the fourth season the worst, but its over-the-top ridiculousness (alien abductions, serial killers with multiple personalities, a snuff film made by an "erotic performance artist," contraband bull semen, samurai swordfights, ill-fated marriages to pop stars, cryogenically frozen reggae superstars named Robillard Nevin, a boat explosion that gives Crockett amnesia and makes him think he's an evil drug lord) was so, so amusing to me. The fifth season is my pick for the worst. Don Johnson and Philip Michael Thomas are clearly bored with the show and sleepwalk through their performances, the show's distinctive visual style and color palette are replaced by blandly generic '80s network TV blocking and framing and bland cinematography, the rest of the cast is barely on any of the episodes, Jan Hammer's electro-synth music is replaced by Tim Truman's noodly hair-metal blues guitar licks, Crockett's houseboat is only seen once, and his pet alligator Elvis is never even mentioned. The show tanked in the ratings, and the network kept moving it around to different nights. Three episodes weren't even aired until the summer reruns, and a fourth wasn't aired at all because the network got cold feet about its subject matter. The show was tired, the audience was tired, the actors were bored. It was time for the Old Yeller treatment. That being said, there were still plenty of ridiculously bizarre lines of dialogue, interesting guest stars, and moments of entertainment.
Miami Vice began in the most 1980s year of the '80s, 1984, and ended in 1989. It wouldn't have made sense in the '90s. It couldn't have transitioned to a '90s aesthetic. You don't want Crockett and Tubbs investigating grunge- and new jack swing-related cases. It just wouldn't have worked. Here's the final Dr. Mystery recap.

"Hostile Takeover"
Guest stars: Jon Polito is a crazed drug lord named El Gato. Mr. Max Headroom himself, Matt Frewer, is a shady underworld type with connections to several drug lords. Mickey Rourke's ex-wife and a current yoga teacher Debra Feuer is the widow of a drug lord with the hots for Crockett. Victor Argo is not a drug lord but he is a South American comandante. Joe Santos is an ill-fated drug lord. Anthony Crivello is the son of the ill-fated drug lord. His character's name is Miguel. My notes about the episode contain this phrase: "Miguel? -- crazy, crazy hair."
Out-of-context quote: "Nice groceries. Roll over, Beethoven."
This episode picks up where the Season 4 cliffhanger left off. If you remember, Crockett thinks he's a mercenary drug lord because he got amnesia during a boat explosion. It could happen to anyone. My notes tell me that El Gato wears a chain that is a giant gold eagle, and that this episode features the return of Tubbs' awful Jamaican accent.

"Redemption in Blood"
Guest stars: Jon Polito, Matt Frewer, Debra Feuer, and Victor Argo return from the previous episode.
Out-of-context quote: "I am El Gato! You have not died in vain, amigo. El Gato will take your strength. El Gato is a player."
Bonus quote: "What are you boys waiting for? A Christmas bonus?"
Another bonus quote: ""Yesterday he threatened to kill me." "So?"
Polito knows how ridiculous his character is and wisely adds another 12 glazed hams to his already scenery-chewing performance in "Hostile Takeover." From my notes: "Polito is a cross between Pacino's Scarface and Rip Taylor ... & Cheech." Also from my notes: "(Crockett) should have stayed as his (drug lord) persona. Sexy girlfriend, money, slightly better hairdo, sweet jukebox, pet panther." Yes, Evil Crockett owned a panther that roamed freely in one of the rooms of his mercenary drug lord pad.

"Heart of Night"
Guest stars: Bob Gunton is a drug dealer. Rosalind Chao takes over for Joan Chen as Castillo's long-lost former wife. James Saito is Chao's current husband. Michael Lombard is Saito's boss.
Out-of-context quote: "What was he carrying?" "Strange toy birds."
Bonus quote: "You're gonna look like a serious freak and for what?"

"Bad Timing"
Guest stars: Melissa Leo is a bartender Crockett meets while on vacation recuperating from his amnesia and amnesia-related villainy. Pruitt Taylor Vince, Gary Farmer, and William O'Leary are murderous escaped prisoners. Stephanie Roth is Crockett's psychiatrist. Jermaine Stewart, late one-hit-wonder ("You Don't Have to Take Your Clothes Off"), appears as himself.
Out-of-context quote: "I hope you got something to drink and the treasure map."
In a plausible scenario, Jermaine Stewart performs his brand of effeminate dance-pop to a captive audience of murderous prisoners. They hate his music so much, they start a prison riot, and our trio of killers escapes.

"Borrasca"
Guest stars: Juan Fernandez is a counterrevolutionary who is good at killing and good at being a target for assassination. Brion James is a mercenary intelligence agent for hire.
Out-of-context quote: "Some street punk in New York tried to touch me there once. You know what I did? Had to carve a new face for that sucka!"
Bonus quote: "I let you live, peasant. Thank the Virgin."
Normal quote given a hilarious line reading: "What the hell is happening?"


"Line of Fire"
Guest stars: Barry Primus is an FBI agent. Justin Lazard is a heavy metal-loving witness to a crime who Crockett and Tubbs have to protect until he can testify. Aasif Mandviwala is a doorman.
Out-of-context quote: "They tell me you guys were Vice. I figure, hey, man, that's rippin'. Vice dudes know what's happenin', right?'
Bonus quote: "I hear Miami's a pretty moshin' scene. Insane clubs, huh?"
Another bonus quote: "That was a bonehead play, junior."
Yet another bonus quote: "They shot my boombox. I'm outta here, Crockett."
Sonny Crockett, rock critic: "This speed metal crap is just warmed-over Hendrix riffs played twice as fast and half as well."
I have several things to point out about this episode. Every time Lazard turns on a television, Ministry's "Stigmata" video is playing. Lazard sneaks away from police protection to attend a concert by Rugged Edge, a real local Miami band that combined hardcore punk with hair metal guitar solos. Crockett tries to turn Lazard away from metal by playing him Derek & The Dominos and telling him that metal won't be around in 20 years. Crockett gets into a shootout with a helicopter and EXPLODES it. Crockett and Tubbs visit Lazard in the hospital and bring albums by Anthrax, Megadeth, and Crumbsuckers.

"Asian Cut"
Guest stars: David Schramm is a professor of Asian studies. Russell Horton is a photographer. Julian Brams is a prostitute. Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa is a crazy nut who loves knives.
Out-of-context quote:  "You don't mind if we talk while my latest acquisition is being mounted?"

"Hard Knocks"
Guest stars: Richard Jenkins is a mobster in charge of collecting gambling debts. Victor Slezak is a sports agent with gambling and mob ties.
Out-of-context quote: "You run a fine organization, Chi-Chi."

"Fruit of the Poison Tree"
Guest stars: Amanda Plummer is a lawyer from a powerful family of lawyers. Paulie Walnuts himself, Tony Sirico, is a gangster. Stephen McHattie is another lawyer. Edgar Allen Poe IV (apparently, he's a distant nephew of the writer) is listed in the credits as "Junkie."
Out-of-context quote: "The man said he didn't have any sauerkraut."
Bonus quote: "You look terrific wet."

"To Have and to Hold"
Guest stars: Miguel Ferrer is the very intense son of a drug lord. Elpidia Carillo is the widow of a drug lord who gets in a little too deep with Tubbs ... between the sheets. Oh, snap. Belinda Montgomery is back as Crockett's ex-wife.
Out-of-context quote: "Wish I'd known you were into the classics. Last two pictures I checked in on, a moth ate a guy's head and a worm slimed Cleveland."
Bonus quote: "You're a very tender lady."
Another bonus quote: "Dr. Tubbs?"

"Miami Squeeze"
Guest stars: Rita Moreno is a hardball congresswoman whose son gets in trouble with drug dealers. Paul Provenza is a drug dealer. Robert Joy is a posh British drug lord with an unhealthy attachment to his pet dog.
Out-of-context quote: "Our transportation plan seems to have gone awry. Most unsatisfactory."

"Jack of All Trades"
Guest stars: John Santucci is a small-time gangster who is owed a debt by Crockett's cousin. Fame's Jesse Borrego is a big-time drug lord with the most ridiculous outfits I've ever seen on television or in life. You need to go to Netflix right now and stream this episode just to see the sleeves on this guy's shirts. From my notes: "It's like Seinfeld's puffy shirt if it was only sleeves or he's wearing two of Steven Tyler's mic stands on each arm."
Out-of-context quote: "I think you're wack. This is stinko."
Bonus quote: "We don't really have time to tally up all the bonehead plays you've made."
Another quote: "Call Dan Quayle. He'll vouch for me."
For some reason, this episode has a bizarre musical score that relies heavily on a capella and fits the scenes about as well as the glove in the OJ trial fit OJ.

"The Cell Within"
Guest stars: John P. Ryan is a criminal Tubbs busted years ago, and he's now a published author and reformed friend of Tubbs. Or is he? L.M. Kit Carson, screenwriter of Paris, Texas and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, is a documentary filmmaker making a movie about Ryan. Richard Gant is a former professional boxer who is now Ryan's bodyguard.
Out-of-context quote: "Maybe he got lucky last night with some literary chick."
This episode would have fit right in with the fan fic-style insanity of Season 4. Ryan kidnaps Tubbs and locks him in the simulated prison in the basement of his mansion, complete with working electric chair, because Tubbs refuses to assist his vigilante crusade to kidnap, jail, and execute prisoners at his own home.

"The Lost Madonna"
Guest stars: Michael Chiklis is a detective and art enthusiast responsible for investigating stolen art. Ned Eisenberg is a drug dealer and thief. Elizabeth Berridge is an art lover and the wife of a drug lord.
Out-of-context quote:  "My work is beyond syntax."
Bonus quote: "The latest exploratory probe into neo-Dadaism."
Another quote: "The painter here is engaged in an aesthetic mysticism."
And another quote: "Dig the prof."
Tubbs goes undercover here as a renegade art professor who is selling stolen art. He convinces because he slicks his hair back. A shirtless musclehead guy with a long ponytail is an angry, inarticulate yet famous sculptor.

"Over the Line"
Guest stars: No one I know (except Martin Ferrero as Izzy).
Out-of-context quote:  "We know that Dr. Dinky tipped Tommy T, but who tipped Dr. D?"
Bonus quote: "Certain reptilian fluids."

"Victims of Circumstance"
Guest stars: William Hickey is a Nazi war criminal. Karen Black is his crazy daughter. John Leguizamo is the younger brother of two murdered drug dealers. Paul Guilfoyle is a crazy white supremacist. Xander Berkeley is a homicide detective.
Out-of-context quote: "The liberal cabal controls the media."

"Freefall: Part 1"
Guest stars: Ian McShane is the dictator of a fictional Latin American country on the verge of revolution. Robert Beltran is his aide-de-camp. Elpidia Carillo is a political activist nun who is Crockett and Tubbs' contact while they are in Latin America. Greg Germann is a lowlife punk.
Out-of-context quote: "Social life in the '80s. Isn't it a kick?"

"Freefall: Part 2"
Guest stars: See above. They're all back.
Out-of-context quote: "You don't just catch fish, you achieve a oneness with them, but I sense that you're not here for pescatorial pleasures."

The Lost Episodes
The next three episodes never aired until summer reruns because the network kept moving the show to different days and times and preempting it for special programming because of low ratings in its last season.

"World of Trouble"
Guest stars: Dennis Farina is back as Al Lombard, the gangster with a heart of gold. Vincent Schiavelli is a scientist who has created HAVOC, a stun gun for vehicles that disables them while they are in motion. Luca Bercovici is an arms dealer with a yacht. Ned Eisenberg is a gangster who wants to kill Lombard. Julian Brams is Lombard's daughter-in-law.
Out-of-context quote: "Wait a minute. This weapon shoots lightning bolts and you say it isn't dangerous?"
Bonus quote: "I never liked your hair."

"Miracle Man"
Guest stars: Jose Perez is a mentally ill ex-drug addict who thinks he's a crime fighting superhero named Miracle Man. Zach Grenier is a tabloid TV reporter.
Out-of-context quote: "I need a place to kick back where the forces of evil can't reach me while I make my plans."

"Leap of Faith"
Guest stars: Keith Gordon is a psychotic college professor, drug maker, and leader of a drug cult. Jennifer Rubin is one of his students and followers who starts having doubts. Laura San Giacomo is an investigator and computer expert. Justin Lazard is back.
Out-of-context quote: "I don't give a damn if you were assigned by Dan Quayle."
Bonus quote: "Me, I'm into surfboards and bikinis. I'm from Long Beach, California."
This episode is hilariously bad and was meant to be the launching pad for a spinoff series about the Young Crimes Unit. Crockett and Tubbs are in the first few minutes of this episode, but after that, it's a whole different show. Justin Lazard, whom you may remember as the heavy metal-loving informant from "Line of Fire," joins up with two other young undercover cops, a Southern boy from Arkansas and a surfer dude from California, as well as computer whiz Laura San Giacomo, and their boss, the old man of the group, Kiel Martin, to work undercover in the young world of young crimes concerning the young. Lazard butts heads with the other two young undercover cops at first. He works alone and he hates California surfer dudes so much, but they soon earn the grudging respect of each other and become best friends forever. In their first case, they're undercover at a club where the live entertainment is one guy lip-syncing to "Sweet Child O' Mine" for a crowd consisting of hair metal rocker dudes, punks with mohawks and safety pins in their leather vests, and asshole Wolf of Wall Street types snorting coke and wearing professional office attire. Needless to say, this spinoff never became a show because this episode was not aired during the regular season and also it was fucking terrible. But hilariously fucking terrible.

This last lost episode was approved by the network, shot, and completed, but NBC decided at the last minute that its depiction of the rape of a young girl was too controversial and pulled the plug. It was never aired until syndicated reruns in the 1990s, making it the only Miami Vice episode not shown in the 1980s.

"Too Much, Too Late"
Guest stars: Pam Grier is back as a New York detective and Tubbs' ex. C.C.H. Pounder is a coke addict and old friend of Pam's. John Toles-Bey is her sadistic drug dealer. Malinda Williams is her pre-teen daughter.
Out-of-context quote: "Esto es un tango, and also a little financial advice."
Bonus quote: "Hey, I am talkin' life's highway."

That's it.  
 

Great moments in journalism

From an ABC News article about the new Burger King burger, the Big King:

"Despite the familiar ingredients all the way down to the third bun, Burger King tells ABC News it doesn’t taste like the Big Mac because of the way the burger is prepared — it’s fire-grilled. The Big King is also 40 calories less than its rival.
Brooklyn resident Ty Bills, who eats from both burger chains, sought out the 'Big King' on the first day it launched. After the first few bites he smiled and nodded.
'It's very juicy,' he said. 'The sauce is different. I don't know what's in the sauce, but the sauce is good,' he added between bites."

The Dr. Mystery guide to "Miami Vice" for gentlemen and gentlewomen of leisure (Part 4: Season 4)

When I began this odyssey, this quest, to watch every episode of Miami Vice and report my findings here on the blog (probably one of the greatest quests of the modern era, but I'll leave that for the historians to sort out), I went down some crazy rabbit holes of rabid Vice fandom. There are many disputes, debates, and differences of opinion among the online fanatics, but most of them can agree on one thing: that Season 4 is the worst season of the series. This is the season where the train went off the tracks, where sharks were jumped, where actors began openly criticizing the quality of the scripts. Miami Vice is commonly regarded today as lovable kitsch and nostalgic '80s goofiness, but I will go to bat for the first three seasons being a damn good show. Miami Vice really looked like nothing else on television at the time and was a unique blend of '30s and '40s film noir shadows-and-light formalism, '70s-style cop show action/thriller, '80s music video and neon-and-pastel flash, and shot-on-location documentary-style Miami local color. Most television up to this point had looked very stagy and flat, but Miami Vice had a cinematic look and style that jumped off the screen.
Season 4, on the other hand, dials down some of the stylistic formalism that made the show ahead of its time and dials up some of the silliest, most ridiculous episodes in television history. The ratings dropped, and the show went from being a huge hit to a minor one. I can see why this season turned off a lot of the fanboys, but as a time capsule and a piece of mostly unintentional hilarity and absurdity, it's pretty entertaining in hindsight. A handful of episodes have some serious pacing problems and listless acting, never a problem on this show before, and I can see the writers, producers, and actors struggling to find new places to take the series. Even so, there's something really, really weird about this season. It plays out not like another season of the show, but like filmed Miami Vice fan fiction written by slightly unhinged superfans. Most episodes seem like alternate reality Vice. In honor of this bizarre development, I have added a new category to my episode-by-episode wrapup. In addition to guest stars and out-of-context quotes, I've included the fan-fiction element.
General fan-fiction element for the entire season: The women detectives on the show, Gina and Trudy, used to wear long, flowing, billowy dresses, which was strange enough office wear for detectives. This season, they sexed it up about 92 percent by wearing tight, short skirts. Trudy also has a nameplate on her desk reading "Big Booty Trudy." That can't be regulation nameplate.

"Contempt of Court"
Guest stars: Stanley Tucci is a mob boss. Philip Baker Hall is a federal judge. Meg Foster is a U.S. attorney.
Out-of-context quote: "Common decency demands that we dismiss this indictment, which is a stew of rancid meat that makes me want to retch and vomit." (knocks all papers off desk in anger)
Fan fiction element: Though the plot of this one is pretty standard Miami Vice boilerplate, the acting is so volcanically over the top that I imagine the director's instructions were, "Act like people are watching your performance on a television that is on the opposite end of a football field." Tucci's mob boss regularly cracks wise in court, even ordering cannoli and veal cutlets from the courtroom. It's like an SNL Miami Vice skit turned actual episode.

"Amen... Send Money"
Guest stars: Brian Dennehy is a televangelist named Reverend Bill Bob Proverb who preaches that God rewards the greedy and loves material wealth. Anita Morris is Bill Bob's wife who has some illegal hobbies. James Tolkan is another televangelist. Ben Stiller is a sleazy guy named Fast Eddie who sells religious paraphernalia.
Out-of-context quote: "I love this Italian silk $750 piece of matter we call a jacket."
Bonus quote: "I've been to jail. Jail sucks."
Fan fiction element: The televangelist's studio looks like a cross between some Scientology bullshit, Morton Downey Jr.'s show, and a portal to hell. The preacher character is such an exaggerated piece of satire that it makes no sense on a cop show.

"Death and the Lady"
Guest stars: Paul Guilfoyle is an "erotic performance artist" who has directed a porno that's also a fake snuff film ... or is it? Kelly Lynch is a stripper who appeared in the snuff film ... or did she? Penelope Ann Miller is the sister of a woman who appeared in the film ... or is she? Yeah, she is. Miguel Ferrer is a district attorney.
Out-of-context quote: "Mr. Crockett, you're fixated on dead people. Are you a necrophiliac?"
Fan fiction element: Guilfoyle's performance artist character is, in a season trend, wildly over the top. We also have the is-it-or-isn't-it element of the snuff film, possible twins who are possibly just one person pretending to be twins, and a murder victim who may be still alive, or dead but not murdered. This is a really weird episode.

"The Big Thaw"
This episode is commonly considered one of the worst, but I happened to find it very amusing.
Guest stars: Bill Raymond is the head of a cryogenics lab. Alfred Molina is an attorney.
Out-of-context quote: "There's a big difference between making instant coffee and trying to bring a Rastafarian back from the dead."
Bonus quote: "He looks stoned." "He is. Stone cold frozen."
Fan fiction element: This episode is about a legal battle over the cryogenically frozen corpse of a Jamaican reggae singer named Robillard Nevin, who was frozen after he died from Fugu poisoning upon eating incorrectly prepared blowfish while on tour. Enough said.

"Child's Play"
Guest stars: Ving Rhames is a career criminal mixed up in some bad stuff. Danitra Vance is his girlfriend ... with a secret. Isaac Hayes is a gunrunner named Holiday. Belinda Montgomery is Crockett's ex-wife.
Out-of-context quote: "Man, it's like holding two volleyballs underwater. Can't be done for long."
Fan fiction element: Other than reintroducing a few characters from the first season, not much in the way of fan fiction elements here. This one's actually a pretty effective piece of crime drama that has more in common with the earlier seasons.

"God's Work"
Guest stars: Film director Alfonso Arau is a crime lord. Esai Morales is his closeted gay son who wants to turn the family business legit.
Out-of-context quote: "I think this guy took a wrong turn at the cheese and wine shop."
Bonus quote: "That's original. I love originality. But in Homicide, they don't give a damn."
Fan fiction element: Again, this one's mostly straight-ahead drama, but there's a lot of speechifying here about raising money to fight AIDS and treat AIDS patients.

"Missing Hours"
This episode enjoys a reputation as the absolute worst one in the entire series, but its off-the-charts absurdity and ridiculousness make it well worth seeing.
Guest stars: James Brown is a James Brown-like soul music superstar famous for singing James Brown songs named Lou DeLong who is also a government agent, a man who was abducted by aliens, and/or an actual alien. Chris Rock is a precocious young go-getter in the Central Records department who is also a UFO conspiracy theory buff. Charlie Barnett returns as The Noogman.
Out-of-context quote: "Why don't I reorient your intergalactic desirability?"
Bonus quote: "One thousand bucks and two dozen one-pound peanut butter jars in his shopping bag." "Creamy ... or crunchy?"
Double bonus quote: "Two men with weird eyes and purple auras. That's all she can remember right now."
Fan fiction element: Are you kidding? Trudy is abducted by aliens, one of whom may or may not be James Brown. Alien abductees somehow feel the need to buy multiple jars of peanut butter, travel to an empty house boat, and stare into the face of James Brown, which then disappears and turns into blue sky and clouds. Chris Rock's character is treated like an old series regular, even though he never appears on another episode. Chris Rock also reads about aliens on the pre-Internet computer message board groups. Sci-fi writer Thomas M. Disch wrote this episode. Peanut butter?

"Like a Hurricane"
Guest stars: '80s pop star Sheena Easton is '80s pop star Caitlin Davies. Xander Berkeley is a sleazy band manager who's running a payola scam. Tony Hendra is a music executive who's into some shady criminal underworld stuff. Teller (of Penn & Teller) is Hendra's very chatty and very sleazy attorney. Yeah, you get to hear Teller speak. The MCs of Rap play themselves performing in a nightclub. Yeah, The MCs of Rap. Also on the bill but unfortunately cut out of the episode were opening acts The Rockers of Rock and The Jazzmen of Jazz.
Out-of-context quote: "What the hell is that?" "'Rubber Love' by The Blowguns."
Bonus quote: "The drummer OD'ed on reds, the guitar player joined a cult, but the bass player got a lawyer and sued."
Fan fiction element: Crockett is forced to act as protection for Caitlin (Sheena Easton) when her life is threatened. As a working stiff detective, he hates this pop star celebrity. As a pop star celebrity, she hates the surly detective. However, as we learned in the 1990s from the live action human on rapping cartoon cat bestiality of Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat's "Opposites Attract," opposites attract. Crocket and Caitlin soon fall in love and get married. They also enjoy an oddly violent makeout session soundtracked by a flute solo. Don't worry about Crockett's cover getting blown. Sure, he's an undercover vice cop pretending to be a middleman for drug lords and gunrunners and pimps and he's marrying a famous pop star, but, as Crockett puts it, "she likes her privacy, so it's not gonna jeopardize my cover." Caitlin's big comeback single is a cover of "I Got You, Babe." Though it's a duet, she sings it alone, unless you count the children's choir on the last verse. Last but not least, three words: exploding demo tape!

"The Rising Sun of Death"
Guest stars: Sheena Easton is back. R. Lee Ermey is a corrupt homicide sergeant. James Hong is a Yakuza higher-up.
Out-of-context quote: "They just jerked a floater out of the bay."
Bonus quote: "Latin machismo."
Double bonus quote: "Look in the yellow pages under full-body tattoos."
Fan fiction element: This is basically a one-hour generic yakuza and samurai movie with small supporting roles from the regular cast. There's a big samurai swordfight in the rain with lots of talk about codes and honor and seppuku. There is also a strip club scene where the strippers are dancing to "Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me" by The Smiths. I haven't been to a strip club in years and have never been a strip club regular, but I'm willing to bet this song, one of the most melancholy Smiths ballads, has never been played in any strip club at any point in our nation's history.

"Love at First Sight"
Guest stars: Sheena Easton is back. Iman is a woman using a video dating service. She's got some secrets. Annabelle Gurwitch is a wisecracking prostitute. Lori Petty is an enthusiast of S&M who is using the same dating service as Iman. Christopher McCann is an FBI agent.
Out-of-context quote: "Somebody's not too fond of male genitalia."
Bonus quote: "A woman's eyes can tell you a thousand stories about her. Does she dig Mantovani or Manilow? Is she high for Club Med Guadeloupe or Club Med Martinique?"
Fan fiction element: This is actually a pretty scary, exciting, and suspenseful episode. Crockett goes undercover at a video dating service to bust a prostitution ring, but the focus of the investigation shifts when several men using the service are murdered. Crockett fits the killer's type, so he becomes the bait. The killer has a split personality, each one a different gender. Don Johnson directed this episode, and it's an effective piece of horror.

"A Rock and a Hard Place"
Guest stars: Sheena Easton and Tony Hendra are back.
Out-of-context quote: "This Fremont and Wiggins, they're a couple of tubesteaks."
Bonus quote: "Your reputation sucks."
Fan fiction element: Crockett goes to LA with Caitlin, who is doing a press junket for her new album and appearing on the cover of Rolling Stone, even though he's an undercover cop. The paparazzi go crazy over him when they think he's his undercover persona, and a scandal hits the press: pop star marries drug dealer, killer, pimp, and gunrunner.

"The Cows of October"
Guest stars: Harry Shearer is an overzealous, bumbling FBI agent. Gerrit Graham is a Texas businessman, and like all Texans, he wears a huge cowboy hat and speaks in a broadly fake Southern accent.
Out-of-context quote: "Obviously, you two have a little to learn about the chess-like interaction of international intrigue."
Bonus quote: "Our side just won a major battle in the cold war of animal husbandry."
Double bonus quote: "You're a credit to the free-enterprising vertebraes of this planet."
Fan fiction element: Several of the previous episodes have put the basic series template into an entirely different genre: satire, mystery, science fiction, backstage show business drama, samurai movie, horror. This one mixes the western with the screwball comedy and is about the international smuggling of bull semen, particularly one virile bull named Gargantua. The soundtrack is drawn from the scores of several classic westerns. Again, this is not very good, but it's incredibly entertaining.

"Vote of Confidence"
Guest star: Larry Pine is a gubernatorial candidate busted with a prostitute, which is only the first piece in a vast government conspiracy.
Out-of-context quote: "It's a little early in the morning for coffee."
Bonus quote: "That booger Pearl Harbored me."
Fan fiction element: This one starts as a satire of political campaigns before turning into a missing person whodunit.

"Baseballs of Death"
This is a rare old-school, solid episode, directed by character actor Bill Duke, who also directed the underrated '90s crime thriller Deep Cover.
Guest stars: Tony Plana is a bad dude. Please don't fuck with him. Lisa Marie and Michael Des Barres are con artists running a lucrative scam. Lisa Marie pretends to be a prostitute, using her womanly charms to lure rich businessmen. Des Barres takes their photos, and the pair blackmail the rich old philanderers. Mark Metcalf is a DEA agent with the trademark Metcalf intensity. Oliver Platt is a weapons smuggler named Speed Stiles.
Out-of-context quote: "Your mother can't satisfy your needs anymore. I can."
Bonus quote: "Is this for your gun club or are you planning to invade Uruguay?"
Double bonus quote: "Good morgen!" "Anything since last night?" "Couple of dogs fell in love and started a family about six hours ago."
Triple bonus quote: "I guess Guerrero was home makin' chile rellenos through all this."
Fan fiction element: Other than a spectacular speedboat explosion, nothing too bizarre here.

"Indian Wars"
Guest stars: Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young drummer Joe Lala is a drug dealer. Joseph Turkel and his amazingly square, amazingly huge eyeglasses are a major drug smuggler.
Out-of-context quote: "I cannot be responsible for the peccadilloes of my associates."
Fan fiction element: This episode focuses on drug smuggling on the Native American tribal reservation of the Miccosukees, which gives the series the opportunity to feature lots of big speeches about the white man vs. the Indian, old ways vs. modernization, income from allowing drug dealers to use their land vs. going clean but losing all the money, youth vs. the elderly, idealism vs. business, etc. Plus, one character is a schizophrenic with his own vigilante army, and Tubbs goes undercover on the reservation as a doctoral student working on his thesis "Oppression in the Land of the Free." He convinces as a doctoral student because he puts on glasses.

"Honor Among Thieves?"
Holy shit, this episode is crazy.
Guest star: Dylan Baker is a homicide detective.
Out-of-context quote: "That's real heat, when they start arresting your horses."
Bonus quote: "Someday, you and me are gonna dance." "Strike up the band, baby."
Fan fiction element: A serial killer with a huge doll collection thinks his dolls can talk to him. They tell him to rape and kill young girls. The killer speaks in a high, squeaky voice whenever he's doing the voice of the dolls. He kills the girls by injecting them with an overdose of very pure cocaine. He then rubs cocaine all over the bodies and dumps them in a public place and rests a doll on top of the corpse. Crockett is undercover at a major drug dealer's compound, pretending to be a lawyer advising the dealer how to launder his drug money to make it look legal. The killer's use of cocaine is putting too much heat on the drug trade, so this dealer puts out feelers to catch the guy themselves. When they catch him, the dealer invites every other major Miami drug dealer to a kangaroo court on a nightclub dance floor. The club is closed for the night. Thinking Crockett's a lawyer, the dealer makes Crockett defend the killer. If Crockett can convince the assorted dealers the killer is too insane to know right from wrong, they'll turn him over to the cops. If Crockett can't convince them, they will torture and murder the guy. If you think that synopsis is crazy, wait until you see the concluding scene.

"Hell Hath No Fury"
Guest stars: Don Harvey is a convicted rapist recently released from prison. John Michael Higgins is the sleazy host of a Geraldo and Maury-style talk show. John Finn is a survivalist gun nut hit man for hire.
Out-of-context quote: "That's what rules are for, so you don't have to think."
Fan fiction element: We get both a satire of sleazeball talk shows and a ripped-from-the-headlines subplot about hired hitmen in the Soldier of Fortune classifieds. Also, Trudy is good friends with the rape victim as well as the arresting officer of her rapist, and the episode pretends like this has been an ongoing story even though this is the first and last we'll see of it.

"Badge of Dishonor"
Guest stars: Reni Santoni is lieutenant of a special ops drug unit. Barbra Streisand has a bizarrely brief cameo as a pedestrian walking down the street, so brief I didn't even notice it.
Out-of-context quote: "Great, couple of bad apples set back minority recruiting another 400 years!"
Fan fiction element: Weird Barbra Streisand cameo. Actor Julio Oscar Mechoso, who was a regular on the first season as a member of the vice team before the network decided to phase out the character, plays a drug dealer in the opening scene.

"Blood and Roses"
Guest stars: Stanley Tucci and Meg Foster are back from the first episode of the season. Michael Wincott is a sleazy guy with underworld connections. Frank Stallone is one of Stanley Tucci's goons.
Out-of-context quote: "Definitely not al dente."
Bonus quote: "Bottle of Dom P., two straws."
Fan fiction element: This episode has the exact same plot as an episode from the first season, and it's one that makes me feel gross and unpleasant. Why do it again? Gina is undercover and she's forced to have sex with a guy who creeps her out to avoid blowing her cover. She breaks down and is consoled by Trudy. At the end of both episodes, she kills the guy in a shootout and then stares deep into Crockett's eyes to let him know silently what went down. Freeze frame. Credits. Such a weird plot to repeat out of all the storylines from the past three years.

"A Bullett for Crockett"
Guest star: Fame's Jesse Borrego is a drug smuggler.
Out-of-context quote: "I never should have let him take Loco Mendez alone."
Bonus quote: "She's beyond the moral laws of this or any other world."
Fan fiction element: This is a fucking clipshow. Crockett is shot by the girlfriend of the dealer he's just shot. He's in a coma in the hospital, which happens to be the most dimly lit hospital in North America, which gives each character the opportunity to visit him and flash back to a scene from a previous episode. "In the Air Tonight" is brought back from the very first episode of the show to score the opening scene. Crockett's shooting will never come up again, and he's completely recovered by the next episode, even though he was in a coma with a bullet lodged in his spine. Fucking clipshows.

"Deliver Us From Evil"
Guest stars: Sheena Easton is back. Guy Boyd is back from Season 3.
Out-of-context quote: "This guy knows the difference between Baccarat and Lalique."
Bonus quote: "Did I ask for a lukewarm beer, Julia?"
Fan fiction element: This episode brings two completely separate storylines from earlier episodes together. We also get to see Sheena Easton perform "Follow My Rainbow" in its entirety, which is exactly the kind of song you imagine it is from the title. Also, several people in the audience give her bouquets of flowers after she performs. I thought this only happened to opera singers and theater actors and directors on Broadway.

"Mirror Image"
Guest stars: Antonio Fargas is a drug lord. Chris Cooper is a dirty detective. Julia Roberts is a drug lord's assistant. Brent Jennings is a vice sergeant.
Out-of-context quote: "Vice? I love vice."
Fan fiction element: Crockett gets a head injury during a boat explosion and wakes up with amnesia, which makes him think he's his undercover persona, so he turns evil. There is a weird Lynchian dream sequence. The episode ends on a cliffhanger.

One more season to go.

Crockett and Tubbs pose with Tubbs' bird, Pepito, star of the short-lived spinoff series Johnny Pepito, Tropical Bird Detective

A song for every year of my life #27: 2003

It's been a while since I did one of these, so I'm going to kick this one off with a band that makes most people I know sigh exasperatedly, mutter angrily under their breath, or just involuntarily exhibit a look of mild disgust when confronted with an audible mention of their name. The Fiery Furnaces are a band I love, one of my favorite bands of the last decade and change, and a band that suffers from Rodney Dangerfield Syndrome among most of my local peer group. I tell you, they get no regard. Oh well. People are wrong about almost everything. People, eh? Can't live with them, can't buy beer without them. By the way, if the more challenging/irritating/proggy/musical theater aspects of this band drive you a little nutty but you do find some things to like about them, I urge you to check out Eleanor Friedberger's two solo albums. One of them is a catchy, poppy, gorgeous '80s new wave and indie-pop inspired record that reminds me of late fall, and the other is a catchy, poppy, gorgeous '70s singer-songwriter inspired record that reminds me of summer. Here's "Leaky Tunnel" for you curmudgeons.



Honorable mention: Pernice Brothers - "Blinded by the Stars"
I love the drums and how they're recorded. I love how Joe Pernice structured this song and how beautifully he sings it. I love the tone and the subtle yet awesome flourishes in the background from the guitar. This song's like a big hunk of enticing candy to me.

Write your way to blogcess™: Tips from a blogging legend

Can-Smashing Robot celebrated its ninth birthday in July, and as a way of thanking my readers for a near-decade of unpopularity, I thought I'd do something special. Hypothetically, I'm constantly being swarmed in grocery stores, wine tastings, and my endocrinologist's waiting room by people of varied backgrounds who share nothing except this message: "Hey, you're Josh Krauter, right? Do you have any advice for anyone hoping to get into the writing game, paid or otherwise?" Well, I've never been paid for my work, so I don't know anything about that, but I do know from otherwise. Boy, do I ever. Without any further ado, here is my advice for transforming your writing from fool's gold into 24-karat nuggets of genius.

1. Avoid Topical References
Too often, amateurs will pepper their work with references to the hot celebrities and events of the day, not realizing how dated these references to, for example, the Hot Pantzz Boyz 2000, Millicent Cyrus, and the country of Syria will seem to readers of the future. If you are going to reference a famous individual, make sure it is someone who has withstood the vicissitudes and whirligigs of the various decades, reputation intact.

For quick reference, here is a list of celebrities it is okay to mention in your work (you may want to print this out and stick it on your computer or typewriter):
William Shakespeare
Sigmund Freud
Elvis ("the King of rockin' roll") Presley
Led Zeppelin
Marilyn Monroe
Pete Best
the Vicomte de Noailles
Peabo Bryson
Mark Twain
Dave
the famous Pope
Carly Rae Jepson
that guy's dad who's always making sassy comments on Twitter

2. Don't plagiarize
Don't plagiarize anything verbatim. You will get caught. However, it is okay to find someone much smarter than you and steal their ideas.

3. Write about da Vinci codes.
Write about da Vinci codes. People love that shit.

4. Don't waste time revising.
I've been blogging for nine years, and I have three different blogs. Every post is a rough draft. I could have polished each post and made it better, in some cases a lot better, but that would have sucked up time better spent eating deli meats and watching "Dharma & Greg." Readers don't know the difference and they don't care. I've posted some seriously terrible shit and no one's complained.

5. Make up words.
Look what I did in the title to this post. I made up the word "blogcess." This is Method A, which is the method where you take one word and smoosh it into another word. I smooshed "blog" into "success" and now you can't stop saying it. It's probably already gone viral. Method B is also effective. Method B is the method in which you just make up a word on the spot. Wingodangle. I just did it. You can have that one for free. Use it as you see fit, and watch the website hits soar into double digits.

6. Listen to the vernacular of the streets and incorporate it into your work.
If you want your work to pop, to really jump off the page with verisimilitude and pizzazz, you've got to get off your sweet, sweet can and mingle with the people. See what makes them tick. Hear what they're saying and how they're saying it. For example, I had a story idea that would require me to capture the essence of three young children. Instead of just winging it, I wandered onto a nearby playground to soak up the verbal world of today's youth. As I wandered over to a group of kids playing on the monkey bars, I heard this opening salvo: "Mr. Walker smells like pee." Attempting to blend in with the tykes, I put forth a witticism aimed at their primitive level of humor. "I saw Sylvester Stallone on the television last night," I began. "He's sure aged. Sylvester Stallone, more like Sylvester Nursing Home. Right, dudes?" I then raised my right hand to await the many high fives I was about to receive. Oddly, this gesture was not reciprocated, but I absorbed their priceless replies, which were a veritable literary goldmine of childhood vernacular:
"Who's Stavester Stallone? Is he your dad?"
"Why are you here?"
"Who are you?"
"Why are you on the monkey bars? You are a man."
"Stranger danger! Stranger danger!"
Classic stuff. Get out there and listen, and then use it. The streets are always talking and always patiently awaiting a scribe with the vision to capture it all.

7. Stock your liquor cabinet.
Make sure you have plenty of booze on hand, in case I stop by.

8. Commune with the dolphins. 
Just kidding. Don't do that. It's fucking stupid.

Alright, fans. Now that you have absorbed this advice, what are you waiting for? Get blogging. One day, you, too, may achieve my legendary status in the blogosphere and know how it feels to reply to the question, "How's the air over there on your side of the fence, the side with the greener grass?" with the answer, "Pretty damn clean and refreshing, my less distinguished friend. Pretty damn clean and refreshing."

The popular culture, topical edition

"It seemed to be business as usual for Monteith on his final afternoon. At 1:24 p.m., the star took to Twitter to ask, 'what the crap is Sharknado.' One minute later, at 1:25, he seemed to have found the answer, tweeting, 'oh. IT'S A SHARK TORNADO.' His tweets refer to the Syfy original movie 'Sharknado,' which stars Tara Reid and Ian Ziering, and is, indeed, about a shark-tornado. These would be the last tweets Monteith would ever post."
-- from a Yahoo news article about the final day of recently deceased Glee actor Cory Monteith

Historians of the future, the paragraph above will be useful to you when assessing, evaluating, and documenting 2013.

Conversation with a friend at a 4th of July party six or seven hours ago

I don't have a photographic memory, so this is paraphrased. Otherwise, this conversation is, to the best of my recollection as a flawed human being, true.

(Normal party conversation about Twin Peaks leads to normal party conversation about dreams.)
Me: And watching most of the series during a few isolated days of a terrible Nebraska snowstorm led to dreams about Agent Cooper giving me clues from the Black Lodge. I would wake up and briefly feel the rush of finding a fellow Twin Peaks resident to give the message to only to remember that I was a college student at the University of Nebraska and my life was depressingly ordinary and dull.
Friend: My orthodontist held me hostage for several days.
Me: In real life or in a dream?
Friend: In a dream. He trapped me in my house and wouldn't let me leave, but he kept feeding me cherries that were the best cherries I'd ever had in my life. I hid several of the cherries in my couch cushions so I could eat them later. When I woke up, I was excited about all the cherries in my couch until I remembered I was dreaming. My orthodontist later killed himself.
Me: In real life or in the dream?
Friend: In real life. He found out his wife was cheating on him and asked her to meet him for lunch at the Hyatt downtown. When she showed up, he killed her and killed himself. I was supposed to get my braces off that week, and I couldn't get anyone to take off my fucking braces so I took them off myself.
Me: That reminds me. My brother and sister's dentist was decapitated in a terrible car accident. He was like 6'8" and the rest of his family was shorter than him. They hit something with their car and it took his head right off because he was so tall.
Friend: I had a friend I went to high school with who was decapitated in a car accident. He went on a road trip with one of his college professors and they were both decapitated in the accident.

Happy belated 4th of July, everyone!

The Dr. Mystery guide to "Miami Vice" for gentlemen and gentlewomen of leisure (Part 3: Season 3)

I haven't posted anything on this blog in months, but I finished season 3 of Miami Vice last night, giving me an excuse to reanimate this poorly neglected site with a fresh, hot injection of 1980s-style neon, Hugo Boss suit jackets, and smoldering homoerotic undercover cop angst. In my season 2 recap, I expressed some trepidation about the third season because that's when Michael Mann ceded creative control to new showrunner Dick Wolf. I worried that Wolf, the guy who created the Law & Order juggernaut, would drain Miami Vice of its off-the-charts entertainment value, sense of humor, and pastel and neon color schemes. Wolf is a guy who's a little too fond of humorless political topicality and hitting viewers over the head with self-righteous messages. Fortunately, only a handful of episodes suffer from this problem. The rest of the season is as ridiculous and fun as the preceding two, and though the pastel is mostly gone, the neon is off the motherfucking charts. Also, recurring character Izzy Moreno, played by character actor Martin Ferrero, is in almost two-thirds of the episodes this season, and I love that guy. Enough jibber-jabber, let's get to the guest stars and out-of-context quotes.

"When Irish Eyes Are Crying"
Guest stars: Liam Neeson is a former IRA terrorist who is now a reformed do-gooder for charity. Or is he? Paul Gleason, the principal in The Breakfast Club, is a philanthropist who may be secretly funding the IRA. Jeff Fahey is an illegal arms dealer.
Out-of-context quote: "Are you into animal husbandry these days?"

"Stone's War"
Guest stars: Bob Balaban and G. Gordon Liddy are back playing the same guys from Season 2. This time, they're mixed up in the Contra and Sandinista brouhaha. Lonette McKee is a television news reporter.
Out-of-context quote: "Ears. Sandinista ears."

"Killshot"
Guest stars: Star of Mexican soap operas Fernando Allende is a jai alai star player who has some unfortunate drug and prostitution connections. Pro bodybuilder Rhonda Lundstedt is a drug dealer's bodyguard. The stuntman from The Toxic Avenger plays somebody.
Out-of-context quote: "Tico Arriola has been struck with the pelota!"

"Walk-Alone"
Guest stars: Ron Perlman is a prison commissioner trying to bust the corrupt staff of a nearby prison. Laurence Fishburne is a corrupt prison guard. Kevin Conway is a corrupt prison warden. A couple of Miami Dolphins, A.J. Duhe and Jim Kiick, are probably also corrupt.
Out-of-context quote: "Didn't know you guys were connoisseurs of the air guitar."
Bonus quote: "If he's a dealer, he better go back to dealing school."

"The Good Collar"
Guest stars: Charles S. Dutton is a speechifying mentor to troubled inner-city teens. John Spencer, the West Wing guy, not the Blues Explosion guy, is a lieutenant in the narcotics division. Terri Kinney is a district attorney.
Out-of-context quote: "All the serious gangs basically hang out at Eastside High."

"Shadow in the Dark"
This episode is completely fucking bananas (see the quote). I highly recommend it. It's nutty, I tell you.
Guest stars: Kickass yet underrated character actor Ed Lauter is a captain in the burglary division. This one's light on star power but extremely heavy on what-the-fuck-did-I-just-watch.
Out-of-context quote: "Only thing we know for sure is he likes men's pants, eats raw meat, and works houses in the northeast grid."

"El Viejo"
Another good one.
Guest stars: Willie Nelson is a retired Texas Ranger and man of mystery. Steve Buscemi is a distributor for a major drug kingpin.
Out-of-context quote: "You know what I like about you, Rickles? Not a damn thing. Backstroke!"
Bonus quote: "This Bolivian doesn't mess around. He probably can't even spell 'mess around.'"

"Better Living Through Chemistry"
Guest stars: San Francisco-based independent film director Rob Nilsson plays a drug kingpin whose chemist has almost put the finishing touches on a highly potent synthetic cocaine. The only problem now is that it immediately kills the user, which is not a sustainable business model. I would be remiss in my duties here to not mention Nilsson's character's name, so here it is: Wango Mack. Victor Love, who played Bigger Thomas in the Native Son movie, is Tubbs' disgraced ex-partner, now a nightclub DJ who's mixed up with some unsavory people. Ex-model Patty Owen is his girlfriend. I say ex-model because her current source of income is a company she created called The Transformational Warriors that provides intimate relationship life coaching from counselors dressed in superhero costumes. That is not a joke. One of those counselors is her, and she has changed her name to Shanti Owen. Please Google this if you have some downtime. People, eh? What will they do next?
Out-of-context quote: "I'm changing my status, man. From now on, I only conglomerate with intellectuals."
Bonus quote: "Ain't life a cabaret?"

"Baby Blues"
Guest stars: Stanley Tucci is a guy whose adopted child may have been kidnapped from its birth mother by a baby-selling ring.
Out-of-context quote: "Babies are like any other business. There's a spoilage factor."
Bonus quote: "This guy is running a baby bazaar!"

"Streetwise"
Guest stars: Bill Paxton is a good cop who has fallen in love with a prostitute. She may not have a full-on heart of gold, but it's at least quality bronze. Wesley Snipes is her evil pimp named Silk.
Out-of-context quote: "Who is this guy who is spreading around all this pharmaceutical rhino rinse?"
Bonus quote: "Checker Club's where all the Overtown pimps flash their style."

"Forgive Us Our Debts"
Guest stars: No big names or future big names in this one, just a lot of solid working character actors. One of them is Bill Raymond, who played The Greek on The Wire. He plays a sleazy career criminal here.
Out-of-context quote: "You're a politician. A conscience is optional." (That's the best I could do. Not a lot of pizzazz in the dialogue department on this episode.)

"Down for the Count (Part I)"
Hoo boy. This episode is sad. One of my favorite characters is killed off, but it's a very emotionally and cinematically satisfying death and has a quiet resonance that is pretty unusual for a show that is mostly about surface entertainment, action, and neon. One of the best episodes, I think.
Guest stars: Pepe Serna is a local crime boss with his fingers in many illegal pies. Randall "Tex" Cobb is a retired boxer and fight trainer. Boxer Mark Breland is a boxer. Don King is a boxing promoter named Don Cash.
Out-of-context quote: "The man is cooking with grease. Hot grease. You can't cook with cold grease."
Bonus quotes: "I can't watch a blood sport without some chow." "An hombre muy mal. This guy couldn't stay clean if he lived in a shower." "Goodman's got a nonspecific muscle spasm where his heart oughtta be."

"Down for the Count (Part II)"
Guest stars: Pepe Serna and Mark Breland are back from Part I. Joe Dallesandro is a crime boss who is pissed off at Serna for horning in on some of his turf. Chris Elliott is a code hacker who lives in a decommissioned military airplane. Yeah, that's right. Robert Pastorelli is a member of Dallesandro's crime family.
Out-of-context quote: "Can you believe the stones on this burrito?"
Bonus Chris Elliott monologue (in response to the detectives telling him to crack a code in a hurry) : "What is a hurry? Is that just some measurement of time that can only be defined by law enforcement officers? Or is it perhaps that brief period in which you could, oh, I don't know, have a smoke or listen to a cut off the new Peter Gabriel album?"

"Cuba Libre"
Guest stars: Salsa and jazz trombonist Willie Colon is a drug dealer, but he's not such a bad guy.
Out-of-context quote: "Where'd you learn to talk like that? High school?"

"Duty and Honor"
Guest stars: Helena Bonham Carter is a doctor and Crockett's new girlfriend. Michael Wright is a mercenary assassin and serial killer known as The Savage. Dr. Haing S. Ngor is a former Saigon policeman and shadowy secret agent who is trying to track him down. Brad Sullivan is The Savage's business handler. Judith Malina is a hotel clerk. This episode has an amazing kill in it, if you like that sort of thing, and I do.
Out-of-context quote: "Pass me the catsup."

"Theresa"
Guest stars: Helena Bonham Carter is back. Brad Dourif is a major drug dealer and all-around nasty human being.
Out-of-context quote: "Dude, I am a shower and shave away from monogamy."

"The Afternoon Plane"
Guest stars: John Leguizamo returns as the son of the drug dealer Calderone. Vincent D'Onofrio is one of Leguizamo's thugs. Margaret Avery is an ex-girlfriend of both Tubbs and Calderone.
Out-of-context quote: "Tubbs always did like good-looking women."

"Lend Me an Ear"
Guest stars: John Glover is a wacky, nutty guy and an ex-cop and surveillance wizard who now bugs and/or debugs anyone you want for money.
Out-of-context quote: "I'm chromosomally unbalanced. I got the good hair. My brother got the good judgment."

"Red Tape"
Guest stars: Viggo Mortensen and Lou Diamond Phillips are a couple of hot-shot rookie cops. Annette Bening is a secretary for the Justice Department who uses her job to get classified info she and her boyfriend sell to criminals.
Out-of-context quote: "Who are you to judge me, teenybopper?"
Bonus quote: "Do you remember when the cops of the month didn't look like extras from Jane Fonda's Workout?"

"By Hooker By Crook"
This episode features a cast list that walks that invisible line between genius and insanity.
Guest stars: Melanie Griffith is a millionaire heiress and madam for a high-end escort service. Vanity is one of her call girls. George Takei is a creepy gangster. Captain Lou Albano is one of Takei's thugs. One-half of the Wild Samoans tag team, Afa Anoai, is another one of Takei's thugs. Veronica Cartwright is a snooty rich lady. TV host Bill Boggs is a TV host.
Out-of-context quote: "I will do whatever is necessary to attain attitudinal composity and that includes the arousal of certain photogenic voluptuaries."
Bonus quotes: "Enough of the mysto-babble, you Hispanic Hugh Hefner." "You're defecating the First Amendment."

"Knock, Knock... Who's There?"
Guest stars: Ian McShane is a big-shot drug dealer. Samm-Art Williams is a DEA agent. Elizabeth Ashley is a corrupt DEA agent but she's only corrupt because she needs to pay the hospital bills for a sick child with a rare disease. Jimmie Ray Weeks is her husband, an ex-detective who is now retired after a shooting left him disabled.
Out-of-context quote: "Suck eggs, pal."

"Viking Bikers from Hell"
John Milius wrote this episode under a pseudonym.
Guest stars: Reb Brown, star of Yor: Hunter from the Future, former NFL star John Matuszak, and Sonny Landham, former porn star turned legitimate actor and the third cast member of Predator to run for governor of his home state (he lost), are members of a biker gang. Landham kills a few people with a crossbow. Sons of Anarchy's Kim Coates is a biker punk Crockett has to rough up in a bar to get some info.
Out-of-context quote: "How many more of these dudes we gonna ace?"

"Everybody's in Show Biz"
Guest stars: Paul Calderon and Coati Mundi are drug dealers. Michael Carmine is an ex-con and drug addict turned Fassbinder-quoting playwright and experimental theater director/owner. A very young, gangly, and awkward Benicio Del Toro is his younger brother, proving that no one is born cool. According to the very helpful web site, Miami Vice Wiki, "[t]his is the only time Miami Vice delved into the world of impressionistic theater."
Out-of-context quote: "My soul is slogging through oatmeal."

"Heroes of the Revolution"
Guest stars: Jeroen Krabbe is an East German agent in Miami to murder the Cuban fugitive who killed his girlfriend, a nightclub singer, back in Cuba in the early 1960s. Not to M. Night Shyamalan you or anything, but that nightclub singer was the mother of Miami Vice detective Gina!
Out-of-context quote: "In this new socialistic paradise, marriage will be merely another bourgeois capitalistic memory."

Goodnight, friends.

Important "Miami Vice" Update: Now with more Shabba-Doo

The fellas share a laugh after wisecracking bartender Flo asks them if there is enough room on the dance floor for all three of their outfits in a scene from the sitcom Two Men, Shabba-Doo, and a Blazer

I left two important guest stars out of my Season 1 recap, and I've been meaning to rectify this oversight for some time. As an apology to my readers for this careless mistake, I have included the steamy reggae-soul slow jam title track from Philip Michael Thomas's blockbuster smash hit album Living the Book of My Life below.
I can't believe I forgot to mention Sam McMurray, character actor most beloved around my household for his appearances in Raising Arizona and Freaks and Geeks, in my writeup of "Calderone's Return: Part II." McMurray is Jimmy "Jimbo" Walters, employee at the hotel in St. Andrew's Island where Crockett and Tubbs have gone undercover to find notorious drug kingpin Calderone. Jimbo went to St. Andrew's for spring break seven years ago, missed his flight, and never left. When he's not working at the hotel, he's writing a novel ("a cross between Mutiny on the Bounty and The Road Warrior") or supplying his special brand of pot ("stuff'll tie dye your frontal lobe in Technicolor") to American hotel guests. Bonus out-of-context quote: "Sharks and weirdness."
I spent a lot of time talking about the fake Jamaican accents in Season 1 episode "The Maze," but I can't believe I spaced on mentioning a very important guest cameo from the first half of the episode. Adolfo Shabba-Doo Quinones, dancer and star of Breakin', Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo, and Lambada, is Pepe, an informant who Crockett and Tubbs have to drag off a nightclub dance floor and into a toilet stall to get some information about a gang. I wish someone would put this scene on YouTube or Vimeo because Shabba-Doo makes you forget everything you thought you knew about dancing, human behavior, facial expressions, pink outfits, and chest hair. He's something else, that Shabba-Doo. At no point does he seem like he's dancing to the music actually playing in the club. He's also the only one on the dance floor without a partner because Shabba-Doo contains multitudes. Shabba-Doo is all. All is Shabba-Doo. Shabba-Doo.

The Dr. Mystery guide to "Miami Vice" for gentlemen and gentlewomen of leisure (Part 2: Season 2)

Holy crap, Season 2 is going to be hard to beat in the guest star department. This season had possibly the strangest assemblage of actors in television history, and I don't see how the other seasons are going to be able to compete. Season 2 was pretty strong and almost as entertaining as Season 1, though I feel like there was a slight decline in the quality of the writing and the visual style. This decline was only tiny, and the guest star bonanza more than made up for it. However, I'm a little worried the decline will be more marked in the remaining three seasons, especially with Michael Mann vacating his post as showrunner in the third season and handing over the job to TV jobber Dick Wolf, who has an awesome name but creates pretty generic TV. I'm not a huge Michael Mann fan, but I love his '80s movies, and he definitely dictated the visual style of the show, which looked like nothing else on TV at the time and still looks pretty cinematic today. Will the show's visual palette, use of color, and framing of shots turn as bland as Dick Wolf's other stuff? I hope not. Blah blah blah, let's get to the guest stars and out-of-context quotes. Season 2, baby! Wooooooo!

"The Prodigal Son"
Guest stars: This one's loaded with people. Julian Beck, the creepy old man in Poltergeist II, is a creepy rich banker who belongs to that small class of creepy rich old guys who run the world. Charles S. Dutton is a New York police chief who doesn't want to listen to a couple of jerk vice cops from Miami, goddammit. Pam Grier returns as the New York cop who used to date Tubbs. Anthony Heald, star of Boston Public, Boston Legal, CSI: Boston, Hot Boston Nights, and Boston Sex Academy (three of those shows are maybe not real) is a New York police commander who really hates Crockett and Tubbs. (You may have surmised by now that our main characters are in New York for this very special episode.) Libertarian magician and noted Bongwater enthusiast Penn Jillette is a small-time Latino drug dealer turned informant with an awesome apartment. James Russo is a hot-tempered drug dealer whose crew has been infiltrated by an undercover Pam Grier. Gene Simmons is a smarmy drug dealer named Newton Windsor Blade who has a yacht full of sexy ladies in bikinis. Paul Calderon is a drug dealer. Abel Ferrara regular and famous drug addict/NY scenester Zoe Lund, also known as Zoe Tamerlis, plays a drug addict/NY scenester. Luis Guzman is a drug smuggler. Ken Ober is a taxi driver. Holy shit, that's a lot of people.
Out-of-context quote: "That's Tubbs. T.U.B.B.S. Tough, unique, bad, bold, and sassy."

"Whatever Works"
Guest stars: Eartha Kitt is a Santeria priestess. A pre-Robert Palmer Power Station is the band playing in a nightclub. The Duran Duran and Chic members are still in the band, but Michael Des Barres is the singer.
Out-of-context quote: "You want a little dork meat for breakfast?"

"Out Where the Buses Don't Run"
Guest stars: Little Richard is a fundamentalist street preacher. Bruce McGill is an ex-cop who's gone nuts and changes his accent and personality every few sentences. He's like Robin Williams, but funny. David Strathairn is an ex-cop turned lawyer or businessman or something (he has a nice office) who is McGill's old partner.  A guy named Scott "Slo-motion" Randolph plays a guy named Manuel "Skates" Santino.
Out-of-context quotes: "You know the man who puts $5 worth of quarters in the juke, hits J-50 over and over again? Arcaro is Weldon's J-50."

"The Dutch Oven"
Guest stars: Giancarlo Esposito is back and he's another drug dealer. This time, he's dealing coke. David Proval, from Mean Streets and The Sopranos, is an Internal Affairs agent. David Johansen plays a very strange version of himself wearing a very strange hat and performing a very strange song at a coke party.
Out-of-context quote: "This late in the game and you're holding kings?"

"Buddies"
Guest stars: Nathan Lane is a standup comic and date rapist. Eszter Balint from Stranger than Paradise is on the run from gangsters. James Remar is an old friend of Crockett's who's torn between his noncriminal nature and his debts to some gangster relatives. Frankie Valli is a gangster. So is Tom Signorelli.
Out-of-context quote: "Definitely not a funny way to die."

"Junk Love"
Guest stars: Miles Davis is a high-class pimp who runs an exclusive brothel. Model Ely Pouget is a drug addict turned call girl.
Out-of-context quote: "Where is he wearing his mic?" "You don't want to know!"

"Tale of the Goat"
Guest stars: Clarence Williams III is a voodoo priest and crime boss who has himself shipped to Miami in a coffin and rises from the dead, voodoo-style. Midget wrestler Little Coco is part of the voodoo cult/crime syndicate. Playwright and theater director Peter Sellars is a doctor. Ray Sharkey is a used car dealer and money launderer named Bobby Profile.
Out-of-context quote: "Nobody is gonna risk brain damage for a little cashola and a bad girlfriend."

"Bushido"
Guest stars: Dean Stockwell is a rogue CIA agent and assassin. David Rasche is an American mercenary turned KGB ally named Surf. Tom Bower is a CIA agent. Musician Natasha Shneider, who played with Eleven and Queens of the Stone Age, is an ex-KGB agent turned KGB target.
Out-of-context quote: "Surf's up, pal."

"Bought and Paid For"
Guest stars: El Debarge plays himself laying down some sexy slow jams in a nightclub. Lynn Whitfield is a Haitian immigrant and housekeeper. Joaquim de Almeida is a rapist. Tomas Milian is the rapist's rich and powerful father.
Out-of-context quote: "Lose the cologne. You smell like a cheap pimp."

"Back in the World"
Guest stars: Bob Balaban is an investigative reporter who knew Crockett in Vietnam. G. Gordon Liddy is a prick who's been smuggling heroin in the body bags of dead soldiers. He has his own personal Asian assassin. Maybe he's playing himself? Iman is a mysterious woman who knows all these guys' secrets. Patti D'Arbanville is Bob Balaban's wife, and she's pissed as hell, buddy. Finally, somebody got Bob Balaban, G. Gordon Liddy, and Iman together. They'd been looking for a project for some time.
Out-of-context quote: "Be advised you're under arrest for trafficking in controlled substances." "Don't forget smoking in the bathroom."

"Phil the Shill"
Guest stars: Three people play con artists in this episode. Those three people are Kyra Sedgwick, Phil Collins, and Emo Philips. They'd also been looking for a project to do together for years.
Out-of-context quote: "This is the '80s, Phil. Everyone takes drugs."

"Definitely Miami"
Guest stars: Ted Nugent is a guy who arranges drug deals but then rips off and murders the people he arranges the deals with, burying them and their automobiles in a rural sand pit. Nugent's lady friend is a fellow murderous con artist, played by French bombshell and star of many Eric Rohmer films Arielle Dombasle. This may be the only time Eric Rohmer and Ted Nugent appear in the same sentence. Fun fact: After filming, Nugent shot each prop with 28 crossbows. He then babbled incoherently and made some shitty music.
Out-of-context quote: "Man, I can dig tropical, but this is out of bounds." Bonus quote: "I hate all this waiting. I feel like a character in a Beckett play. Charlie Beckett, the shoeshine. He writes plays down on the corner."

"Yankee Dollar"
Guest stars: No big stars, cult actors, or crazy stunt casting in this one, but there are some reliable character actors whose names aren't well known. Ned Eisenberg is a drug smuggler named Charlie Glide. Austin Pendleton is his middleman. Pepe Serna is a player in the drug trade.
Out-of-context quote: "I promised myself when the Dow broke 1400, I would buy myself a present."

"One Way Ticket"
Guest stars: John Heard is a lawyer who has some beef with Crockett. Former Mahavishnu Orchestra member and the guy who does the music for Miami Vice, Jan Hammer, plays a wedding musician wearing a sassy getup. Work it, Jan. Annie Golden is Crockett's mechanic. The episode's villain is played by a guy named Lothaire Bluteau.
Out-of-context quote: "You think the guy practices being a tubesteak?"

"Little Miss Dangerous"
Guest stars:  Briefly famous '80s hair-metal singer Fiona plays a prostitute and exotic dancer who goes nuts sometimes and murders her johns. This episode is really pretty good but it does contain the stupidest line of dialogue I've ever heard. I can't find it online, so just watch it. It happens after they ask Fiona's boyfriend, Cat, what his nickname means. The line was so bad I blushed.
Out-of-context quote: "Pal of mine, we just get older every year."

Please enjoy this intermission, in which we take a few minutes to remember Fiona in her prime, duetting with Kip Winger on the song that summed up an entire generation: "Everything You Do (You're Sexing Me)."


"Florence Italy"
Guest stars: Charles Rocket is a smarmy agent for race car drivers. The Fat Boys are beatboxing marijuana dealers. Annie Golden is back as Crockett's mechanic. Race car driver Danny Sullivan is a race car driver. His appearance on this episode gave him the acting bug, and he actually managed to work as an actor pretty regularly for the next 15 years even though he's really bad at it.
Out-of-context quote: "If we keep covering the street, they're going to have to call it Crockett and Tubbs Boulevard."

"French Twist"
Guest stars: Leonard Cohen is the powerful head of a shadowy international covert ops thingamajig that may be a front for terrorism. He only speaks French in the episode. He had no choice, he was born with the gift of a Gallic voice. Lisa Eichhorn from Cutter's Way is a French INTERPOL agent who is actually working for Leonard Cohen. Elliott Easton from The Cars is buying some pharmaceutical morphine. Ex-wife of Play from Kid 'n' Play, Shari Headley, is a precocious teen who witnessed a murder.
Out-of-context quote: "There are plenty of cold cuts in the refrigerator."

"The Fix"
Guest stars: Harvey Fierstein is a corrupt lawyer. Former NBA star Bill Russell is a corrupt judge with a heart of gold forced into corruption by his gambling addiction. Michael Richards, Cosmo Kramer himself, is a badass gangster and bookie. ("You better pay up, Jerry!" "But Kramer, it's only a $10 bet. I'll pay you tomorrow." "I'll break your legs, Jerry. I'll do it!" "Tomorrow. I'll pay you tomorrow." "Giddyup!")
Out-of-context quote: "He practically gave Ortega a ticket to Bogota at the bond hearing."

"Payback"
Guest stars: Frank Zappa is a big-shot Latino coke dealer who never leaves international waters. He refers to cocaine as "weasel dust." Dan Hedaya is Zappa's middleman. Boxer Roberto Duran is a drug dealer who Crockett put away years ago.
Out-of-context quote: "You spend a couple hours combing some guy's brains out of your hair, see what that does to you."

"Free Verse"
Guest stars: Byrne Piven, father of Jeremy Piven, plays an exiled South American poet targeted by both right-wing and left-wing assassins. Piven loves women, pro wrestling, and booze, and breaks free from his police protection to attend a Suicidal Tendencies concert. Suicidal Tendencies play themselves. Bianca Jagger is an international right-wing assassin targeting Piven. It's what ruined her marriage to Mick. Two of the four left-wing assassins are played by Luis Guzman and future Transformers director Michael Bay.
Out-of-context quote: "Are all American cops so good-looking?"

"Trust Fund Pirates"
Guest stars: Richard Belzer is a pirate radio DJ. Tommy Chong is a drug dealer, arms smuggler, and middleman for bigger dealers. Denny Dillon, from Dream On and the 1980-81 season of SNL, is Chong's girlfriend. They live in an Airstream trailer inside an airplane graveyard. Gary Cole, the shitty boss on Office Space, is a guy who flies planes for anyone for the right price. He says he knows Glenn Frey from season one. Nicole Fosse, daughter of Bob Fosse and Gwen Verdon, is Cole's girlfriend.
Out-of-context quote: "Is a frog's butt watertight?"

"Sons and Lovers"
Guest stars: John Leguizamo is the son of a drug dealer Crockett and Tubbs killed in season one. Lee Iacocca is an overzealous parks commissioner.
Out-of-context quote: "I wasn't really suspicious except when you told me that the kid was good-looking."



Frank Zappa shortly after asking Phillip Michael Thomas what it was like to work with Fiona