Thursday, June 28, 2007

Expletive-Free July


I've faced a hard truth. I swear too much on my blogs. My god, what would my grandmother think if she were ever to stumble across any of this? I lightly season my spoken words with the occasional profanity, and I haven't heavily peppered my speech with trash talk since I was 16, but I swear all the assfucking time on my blogs. So, for the month of July, all three of my blogs will be profanity-free. If any of you catch me in a swear this July, the first person to point this out to me will receive one free taco of their choice (maximum $5 value). Good luck, gang! To prepare for this momentous challenge, I will send June out in a blaze of titty-licking, cock-stroking glory! Here is a maximum-strength profanity blasteroo of pottymouthed keyboardery to work these swears, real and imagined, out of my system:

Fuck
shit
ass
cunt
poo
twat
cock
nutsac
damn
hell
bitch
son-of-a-bitch
son-of-a-thousand-bitches
sex-gorilla
dick
peter-o'toole
cocksman
fuckfart
shit-ass
perineum
asshole
motherfucking titty-sucking two-balled bitch
twat-neck
goddamn
motherfucker
fuckface
cocksucker
dang
bullshit
pussy
balls
butthole
for the love of Mike
jesus christ (name in vain version)
butt-ass
ass-butt
cock-twat
dicknose
boobies
meat and two veg
cacker
bugfuck
pigfuck
rock critic
chi-chis
testicle-tit
snotcrotch
jizz
come
spoo
shitty
queef
fucking asshole
goddammit why the fuck did you do that
christ-humper
whore
pimp
dirty sanchez
mother of all beershits
fatherfucker
facefucker
assfucker
meat and two veg fucker
the ol' one-two-buckle-my-shoe
twizz-jibbler
punani
ding-a-ling
white reggae
jangadwingdwong
cum-guzzler
a film by Kevin Smith
Pennsylvania mustache
horsecock
skullfuck
shitsniffery
damned dirty ape
the Dartmouth Powderball
"the county line"
pubes
nips
dingus
arse
giving them a root
The Gentleman of Independent Means
cherry
cherry pie
The Blueberry Shuffle
"meeting adjourned"
circle jerk
the inimitable Fran Drescher
fucky fuck fuck
bitch-ass
the gigolo's lonely weekend
babyfucker
godfuckingdamnit
the Albuquerque handshake
crap

See you fuckers for the filthiest August yet. Get fucked and die until then, ass-faced blowjob-craving dickweeds! And mention my blog to your young children and elderly parents, aunts, uncles, and grandparents, as well as your favorite clergyman. July will be family-friendly!

Friday, June 22, 2007

Dammit

I see that some creepo is already selling hipster t-shirts with an image of the dramatic chipmunk on it. Why can't we just enjoy things?

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

The best thing I've ever seen



(click on image to watch, make sure your sound is on)

Sunday, June 17, 2007

This couch got boned

This just got brought to my attention, and it couldn't wait until morning even though I have an apartment full of people drinking booze.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Whoo!


I put in my notice at work yesterday. As of July 13, 2007, a new adventure begins. Unemployment Dr. Mystery returns, followed closely by Rodney Dangerfield in "Back to School" Dr. Mystery. Then what? Teacher Dr. Mystery? This Didn't Work Either Dr. Mystery? Stay in School Forever Dr. Mystery? Fuck It All Thunderbird Wine Iron Maiden Dr. Mystery? Also, please refer to me from July 14 until I get part-time work or school starts as Dr. Leisure.